Baseballs

Baseball Blog

2007 season.

Is here.

Baseball Blog

Part 1 of 1

by Sammy Kaplan aged 13.

I decided I'm going to love baseball this year. Whenever there is a game on, I'm going to make every effort to watch every single pitch. It's been pretty tough so far, and as a result, the first week of baseball is complete and I have yet to see a full game on television. I've seen a few innings of the Yankees vs. Twins, a half of a game of Mets vs. Braves, and a few innings of the Phillies vs. Marlins. As a result I have no expert analysis at this time.

Interesting developments of the first week of baseball: A ton of games have been snowed out or colded out. Games postponed due to cold. One of these games was Yankees vs. Devil Rays. A game that probably should have been scheduled in Tampa. Detroit vs. Toronto or Cleveland vs. Toronto got snowed out because the game was not played in Toronto where there is a dome. Cleveland is forced to make up some home games in Milwaukee. Milwaukee is known for it's warm environments.

Interesting developments #2: I signed up for a fantasy baseball team. I do not know anyone else in the league. Greg was going to sign up for my league, but the league got filled up to quick. A day after setting up this league, my work decided to block the site, so I had to email Greg and ask him to put Big Papi into the starting line up. Fantasy Baseball is not my favorite Internet game. I much prefer that Dodge Ram challenge where you got to be the robot and punch the shit out of the truck. Or maybe it was another robot. It seems to me I never played the Dodge Ram Challenge

Interesting Development #3. Yankees fans are cheering for ARod and Pavano. But as Rey pointed out, "it's April". Rey hates ARod more than anybody I have ever met.

Known fact: Yankees have the highest payroll in baseball. Knicks have the highest payroll in basketball. It's amazing how important management is in the world of big business.

My idea: I think the Yankees have a good chance of missing the playoffs this year. I think the AL Central is going to get the wild card again (division has Tigers, Twins, injuns, and ChiSox). So the AL East will only be sending the division winner to the playoffs this year. And this Yankees team is no different from the past 5 teams, except they are a lot older. But then again, besides Dice-K, the Red Sox aren't really any different either. Except Curt Schilling has is own blog now. But even that is old.

My new favorite Yankee: The yankee set up guy. The guy before Rivera. Fawnsworth or Fansworth. Dude is about 7 feet tall and he throws 200+ miles per hour. I watched him in mop-up duty in last nights Yankees-Twins game. He finished doing his warm up pitches, shoved his index finger down his throat for no apparent reason, picked up the rosin bag, flipped it around for a bit, threw it to the ground, then licked the palm of his hand. Not a quick lick, but a really strange hand make out. Then he went on to throw 300+ mphs. Sarah commented that his pants were way too tight.

Side note: Got harrassed a little on the walk through the hood last night. 3 teenagers said "Hey whiteboy, your pants are too tight." Contemplated saying "why are you checking out my pants" but instead I just kept walking. Probably a little bit faster. Not really a whole lot madder.

Another story: Tired of Don Imus drama.

Baseball game of the day: Yankees vs. Boof Bonser of the Minnesota Twins. Greg goes "Oh you probably conflicted on that one". It is a tough one, but it's honestly win-win unless the twins win and boof gets a no decision.

Phillies: Man oh man. I thought they were going to challenge the Mets this year. While it is still early, I realized their lineup really isn't that good. Utley and Howard are great, but everyone else is a big who cares. And J-Ro should quit yapping. And my oh my let's not even talk about the bullpen.

Um. Cat acting crazy again. Very healthy though. Thanks for yer Euros.

No more sports for now.

Philly Film Fest in full effect. Here's one's that's caught's my's eye's:

The Book of the Dead

It's from Kihachiro Kawamoto

The Boss of It All

Lars von Trier (Dogville, Dancer in the Dark) doing some non-depressing shit.

The Bothersome Man

Review calls it Kafkaesque. From Norway

Cartoons for Big Kids

A bunch of cartoons for Big Kids.

The Cats of Mirikitani

Doc. bout a street artist

The Oil Crash

Doc. on oil. Gotta be ok. Picture featured shows dude in a bathtub full of oil.

The Curse of William Penn

Documentary about how awful Philly sports teams are

Dante's Inferno

Cardboard cut-out adaption of Dante's Inferno

Dead Daughters

Hyped-horror from Russia. Would like to see

Hell's Ground

Zombie film from Pakistan. Probably viewed as a comedy in that wild and crazy country. Should be interesting if nothing else

The Living and the Dead

Described as "hallucinatory British gothic fantasia of death and psychological decay". Take out the word "British" and you have perfection.

638 Ways to Kill Castro

Could be very interesting or very boring. Like all movies

Sounds of Sand

I'm hoping a lot of pictures of desert.

The Ten

Makes fun of the ten commandments. Into this check out the Decalogue, if you have 3 months to kill. Although the Decalogue doesn't make fun of the ten commandments, it just intends to depress you

Ten Canoes

about indigenous Australians. Can't go wrong with that ever, unless it's Herzog's Green ants or whatever it was called movie.

30

Cross country movie. Always a good idea.

The Town that Was

Movie about Centralia, PA. I highly recommend this even though I haven't seen it. Centralia is a town that has been on fire for 40 years. As a result everyone has moved out except for 12 people. So awesome.

Warchild

Movie about war in Bosnia. Might watch this for a possible thesis.

VHS-Kahloucha

"Tunisia's premier amateur auteur filmmaker is portrayed with loving honesty and gut-busting hilarity in this thrilling documentary"

Wicked Flowers

Japanese. "Lynchian." About a video game that kills the people who play it. Sounds awesome.

Zoo

"This dreamlike, poetic film takes a surprisingly sensitive look at the bizarre but true story of a Washington State man who died after having sex with a horse in 2005.

flllLlllLflagged

A

I didn't do much of anything last night.

I didn't do much of anything last night.

Sometimes I think it'd be fun to have a car but I really don't feel much like spending a ton of money on gas and insurance or speeding tickets. And besides my job gives me a free transpass so it'd be kind of silly to get a car. The world is smelly enough without me adding more carbon monoxide into the environment.

I miss driving though. When I was cleaning out my book bag I found out the application I needed to fill out for joining AmeriCore. Or is it AmeriCorpse? I always get confused about it, but anyway, my friend Katy Coffey wrote a recommendation for me, and I had a bunch of other stuff filled out, but I didn't ever turn it in because I didn't feel like getting a medical exam. I think I was unemployed at the time and doctor bills were not something I wished to get. Spending money is a headache, especially if it's just for a job that is going to be cleaning up hiking trails in the middle of Maine. I mean that sounds fun and all, but I don't even like cleaning up my apartment. I'd probably just want to go into the woods and smoke a "jasper" and then reminisce about the time when I didn't hike the entire Appalachin Trail. I'm not sure what that has to do with driving. That AmeriCorpse program was only a 3 month deal, I'd probably end up in Philly afterwards.

greg: maine is cold, but stephen king is from there and john maine is cool.

I used to shovel horse shit for my mom at the barn with one of Danielle's friends. His name was Chris something and he was pretty funny. We divided up the horse barn in half. He would shovel his side and I would shovel my side. Once in a while I would pick up a horse poo and fling it at his side and try to hit him in the head. It sucked when he retaliated. But anyway, me and Chris rarely talked because it was awkward because he was a better sweeper than I was. I was pretty good at shovelling the shit, but when it came time to sweep the barn up at the end of the day, I'd get real pissed. Brooms and I don't get along. It put me in an awkward spot, because my mom was the boss, so I would get away with stuff. "Ma, I ain't sweeping, where's my 32 dollars for my 4 hours of work?" I'd then drive off and spend all 32 bucks at Freddie's Bar in Warwick. Greg went with me once but he'll never go back again because it's a pretty terrible place. Lots of old Warwick heads wandering around the place bragging about the terms to their probations. Warwick is a pretty strange town. Not a lot to do there. I remember those summers where I would work at Brock's house and bail hay. I was pretty good with all that farm stuff. Brock's was cool, it was only 5 bucks an hour, but beer from ShopRite only cost like 5 bucks for two 40s, so if I worked an hour I'd be fine. Besides Mrs. Brock's mom would bring out Raspberry Iced Tea and we'd drink it. Brock was a super good worker and he was allergic to the hay and he'd break out in all these nasty hives. I remember sometimes Brock would have other people working there and I'd know them, but I wouldn't talk to them either. I just would bail the hay, Throw it on the conveyor and want to get the fuck out of there so I can go to Freddie's or ShopRite and drink. I used to go get drinks at Mobil in Warwick. I love when people are like "Beer!?!?! At a GAS STATION?!?!?! Isn't that kind of CRAZY. I mean driving and drinking?" Something like that. I don't know though, you kind of have to drive anywhere to get beer unless you live above a beer store. PA drinking laws are stupid. I'll never get over it.

greg (Shop Rite in Warwick): heard its good, never been their much, to many warwick people, the one in chester was closer to the hood, i mean kings estates

greg (on freddies): I hate it, friggen warwick assholes go there, it should burn in a blaze and i would not waste my piss to put it out or on the ashes

I don't know. I don't really drink that much. There was a time I think when I was real bad. It was partly Eamonn's fault. There was that 4 or 5 month span where we drank pretty hard everyday including Sundays. We went to see that movie Orange County starring Tom Hanks son and Jack Black, and I remember we had to keep the streak going so we asked Brandon to drive us to some Chili's sorta place and we ordered Tequila shots and then went to the movie. That was pretty fun I gotta say.

I screwed up with the farm stuff once though. It was a Sunday and I was driving the front loading tractor around. Dropping off hay for the horses in the outside paddocks and what not. And I was in the indoor arena trying to load up some more bags of shavings. I wasn't really paying attention, so I was driving out of the indoor arena and I nailed the sliding door and it came right off the hinges. It made a loud bang, and Sammy came running. He looked at me like "How the fuck did you manage that?" It was pretty embarrassing. The gap that I had to fit through was about the size of a basketball court and the tractor was just a tractor, but still I got too close to the door, and at a mighty 5 mphs I nailed that shit right off. It turned out to be pretty pricey to fix it, but thankfully Doug hooked up the welding pretty cheap. I was hesitant around the tractors after that. Actually I probably quit and got the job with Here's Help.

Greg's Ma is flying up to his house for Easter. Good ol' Esther. She used to think Greg was crazy.

greg: Woot esther is comming to visit,

I'm tired of the world today. Saw a picture of my stepbro doing some protesting. It was a pretty crazy picture. I don't actually feel like protesting anything, but it was nice to feel real pissed off about stuff before. I bet my stepbro gets sent to Guantanamo Bay. I wouldn't be surprised. He'd find a way to get thrown out of there too. It'd be rad dope

greg: To quote Donald Rumsfelid, We are following the Giniva convention, for the most part."

So that's all I got to say for today. I don't really know why I wrote any of this at all. I don't miss Warwick much at all. Except maybe Pennings Ice Cream stand. The trampoline in my backyard. My 74 plymouth Duster with the Hatebreed stickers.

If you ever go to warwick, please visit:

1. The Post Office

2. Mobil

3. Mt. Peter (good blog later about it)

4. Pennings

5. Clocktower Video

6. ShopRite

Greg adds: warwick sucks, i know i lived their and i might would again mabye doubful, but the school riots and has a bunch of poor rich kids that think they have a hard life. Fuck warwick. its not worth blogging about

Part 8 of 57

So.

Where to begin?

I Alfred told me a lot. I'll do my best to outline the key points of what she told me.

1. There is no God. There is no Allah. There is no whoever. Evolution is bullshit. None of it is true.

2. Robots made everything. Well almost everything. I will get to that in the second. But robots made me. Robots made you. The whole universe began existing in the year 1823. All history that you may have read about prior to 1823 was made up by the robots. It helped explain a lot, and people never really questioned it. Even those who began existance at the age of 32 in 1823, they had no recollection of what they did in 1822. They had no memory at all of anything prior to 1823, they relied on the journals (written by the robots) that were placed underneath their pillows.

3. The robots created the universe, but gave humans the capability to make things. Humans made robots, much to the amusement of the robots. So robots made humans and humans made robots. Human-made robots did not last very long in the world of robot-made robots. Human-made robots were ridiculed and often tortured then killed for amusement.

4. I Alfred was made by humans. She was accepted because Alfred I fell in love with her and forced her into becoming his wife. She was looking for an opportunity to turn kill her husband. My arrival gave her such an opportunity.

5. 1987 was acting as King of Robot land. He killed the actual King, so he has been acting as King since 1987.

6. The only thing robots did not invent was the internet. Humans invented the internet. The internet is run by the migrant worker children who i saw in my dreams. They have the potential to spread viruses to the robot-made robots (as well as human-made robots) and wipe out the robot race completely. It is not certain if this is what the migrant children workers intend, but 1987 is not taking any chances and he is considering wiping out the entire human race.

7. However, before he wipes out the entire human race, he needs to figure out how to destroy the internet. The internet can survive without the humans, just like humans can survive without robots. So in a sense at this point, it is survival of the fittest. He thinks a human will be able to destroy the internet.

8. 1987 chose me out of complete randomness. It just so happened that the Robot kingdom was behind my refrigerator. He wants me to destroy the internet.

9. That first night, when i heard "Come here baby", it was in fact I Alfred, trying to warn me about the intentions of 1987.

10. Now that they were both on the run, they could not get caught by 1987.

11. 1987 was definitely coming after the both of them.


We arrived at the bottom of the staircase and we were standing at what looked like a junk yard. Pieces of metal thrown about the place. That is when I stepped on a beating heart. "This is where 1987 has his fun" I Alfred said.

I've never wanted a cigarette so bad in my life.

Global warming.

Meh-teh translates as "man-bear"
Dzu-teh - 'dzu' translates as "cattle" and the full meaning translates as "cattle bear" and is the Himalayan Red Bear
Migoi or Mi-go (Tibetan: མི་རྒོད་; Wylie: mi rgod) (pronounced mey-goo) translates as "Wild Man"
Mirka - another name for "wild-man", however as local legend has it "anyone who sees one dies or is killed". The latter is taken from a written statement by Frank Smythe's sherpas in 1937
Kang Admi - "Snow Man"
Jo-bran - "Man-beast"




All of the above was copy and pasted from wikipedia.org. Trust it if you want.

More:

In Spanish, fire ants are known as hormiga colorada (red ant) or hormiga brava (surly ant). In Portuguese, they are called formiga de fogo (fire ant) and formiga lava-pé (wash foot ant).

Also wikipedia. Read it, recite it. Just don't trust it.





I was in the jungle. I stepped on a wash foot ant. The wash foot ant bit me. I yelled. The cattle bear came out of the woods. He had an axe and a machete in one hand. In the other hand was a bee hive and the head of a yeti.

If only I hadn't stepped on the wash foot ant.

I had an idea. Then I had another idea. Then another. But I had to wait for my cue. "Action" shouted the director. I ran at the cattle bear with a log that was lying near the wash foot anthill. I ran up to the cattle bear and smacked the yeti head out of his hands, picked it up, and punted it like a football.

"CUUUUUUUTTTTTT, what was that?"

I didn't know what to say. That's when Holly Gunter from Jackson chimed in. "Setting a date on troop withdrawl is not only a poor decision but may even further endanger our troops".

George W. Bush had plenty to add: "A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice-president had shot someone.
"Ah, those were the good ol' days,"


The director just shook his head. No, no no no no. This will not will not work. We can't have this scene being made into a mockery.

Diego Maradona's physician agreed, saying Maradona's "ill health was brought on by excessive smoking, drinking and eating."

Zenaib Abubakar, a Mogadishu resident added, "This is the worst fighting Mogadishu has seen since the Islamists were ousted"

The director wrapped up the shoot. "We'll try again tomorrow."

I looked at the wash foot ants and gave them a wave. "It was nice working with you" they sang.

It was nice working with them. It was very nice indeed.

I went back to my hotel room, ordered a cheeseburger from room service, put on the telly, and switched between Stewart and O'Reilly. Fed up, I grabbed a razor and shaved myself a mohawk. It doesn't really matter.

Tattoo Idea

"Ich gehe mit dem Hund spazieren."

"I'm taking the dog for a walk."

Part 7 of 57

I was running with I Alfred. We were doing our best to get out of the operating room before 1987 returned. We zigzagged in and out of rooms, and came to a deadend. We were in a room with a giant persian rug underneath a grand dining room table. I Alfred rolled up a part of the rug, and revealed a dark staircase. More stairs. Forever going down. I figured I had no choice but to follow I Alfred down the stairs. She led me down the stairs, and she began to explain a little about the robots' intentions with me, who 1987 was, and who the child migrant workers were. It is gonna take a while to explain.

Ideas from today.

The world's tallest man saved the dolphins, but that did not make him happy. He needed something more than being considered a hero to make him happy. He needed a wife. To get a wife, the world's tallest man placed some ads in the paper. The Newspaper. Weeks went by, and the world's tallest man was flooded with replies to the "wife" ad. The world's tallest man shuffled through the post, and would get very discouraged and slam his world's tallest hand down on the table. "These women all want me because of my height and my fame. They don't really love me".

This went on for weeks. More mail. More heartache.

Meanwhile.

In Ukraine, a really tall man was having a panic attack. He screamed and slammed his really tall furniture around his mother's house. "I am the world's tallest man, NOT that impostor from China! This is an outrage. And not only, am I taller, I am actually a certified veterinarian. I could have saved the dolphins a lot easier. I wouldn't have just shoved my giant arms down their little throats to remove pieces of plastic. What a ludicrous stunt. I will get back at the world's 'tallest' man, if it's the last thing I do."

The really tall man from the Ukraine then hitched a ride to Bulgaria. On arriving in Bulgaria, he met a former Olympic wrestler. This wrestler had connections to a witch doctor, straight from XieiXieiXieiland. The witch doctor met the tall Ukranian and she transformed him into an average heighted Chinese woman.

The really tall Ukranian in his new average heighted female costume appeared at the doorstep of the world's tallest man's house. He knocked on the door, and the world's tallest man answered. The world tallest man looked at the average heighted woman and fell in love instantly. You will be my wife. They married immediately. Two of the world's tallest males are now married. It will be interesting to see what transpires.

Will the really tall Ukranian have his revenge?

Has the witch doctor from that place cast an unbreakable spell on the Ukranian?

Or will they live happily ever after?

Only time will tell.

A ding

Not a lot going on.

Nothing going on.

That's not true.

3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3
Going to the store
1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1,2,3,2,1
Going to the store
2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2
Going to the store
3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3,2,3
Going to the store
x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x,x
If I could fly an airplane I would
3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2,3,1,3,2
Not sure.
About this.
Ha

Don't think I
Understand
Don't think I
Enderstand

Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Slow town.
Slow town.

Slow down, slow town.

Goodnight moon.

Good night moon.


Good night moon.


Good night moon.



Good night moon.




Good night moon




Good night moon.





Good night moon.





Good night moon.






Good night moon.






Good night moon.






Good night moon.







Good night moon.

Business Cards.

I walked to the moon.

It took a while. But it was worth it. Now I'm going to walk back to Earth.

U.S. is playing war games outside Iran today. Wish I could play. I wasn't invited. Although there probably was an open invitation to anyone who wanted to attend. I forgot to respond to the E-Vite. Or I responded to the E-Vite and added (+57). Don't you hate when jokers do that? Whatever happened to E-Vites? They were fun while they lasted. I never read half of them, but I used to like to just respond so people would think it's funny. Like, "I'll be there" and then I wouldn't show up because I would forget to go. Or forget to put it in my palm pilot. I don't really own a palm pilot. I have a cellphone.

Anyway, U.S. said the war games weren't in response to the Iran capturing of British sailors. Instead they said the war games were happening just because the weather is nice out. And there's really not much to do. Except show off their Hummers. In high school, kids used to go to the Exxon in Warwick, and show off their souped up Civics. That was kinda like a high school war game. I used to go in my Duster and run everyone over. Then I'd set the gas station on fire. I usually won the war games. All it takes is a Plymouth Duster with a 380-6 pack.

I've had it with Iran and Iraq and the USA. When I say "I've had it" it really doesn't mean much of anything. The news is nothing more than a splinter in my eyelid. Just pull it out, and move on. Like, CNN sent me the update on Anna Nicole Smith. And, it was confusing. Case closed. Not suicide. Like, is anyone listening. If it wasn't suicide, was it murder? Most suicides aren't really suicide. Unless the autopsy report says that it is. Like KC. He didn't kill himself. The bullet did. Not suicide. Case closed.

Anyway, who cares. There may be a WW3. There may not be. I might go if it gets real bad. I'll respond to the Army E-Vite. Just so I can hitch hike to the bottom of the Caspian Sea. To see if I can find Nemo. And a pot of gold.

The world is a dumb place. It's not that dumb really, it is what you make it. And if you don't have anything nice to say. Don't say anything at all.

My dad carries a Monopoly "Get out of jail free card" in his wallet from 1972. It's the business.

part 6 of 57

I wasn't sure what to make of 1987's statement.

How did he know what hppaappened in my dream?

More importantly...

What the hhellll is going on?

Whhyy am II here?

Whhyy amm I hanngging out with a robot?

Whhy amm I tied from a bed?

Whhy amm I tied TO a bed?

A lot of questions. I can't answer them at this time. Who knows if I ever will be able to answer them. This I can tell you:

I was tied to a bed.

1987 was freaking out about child migrant workers that appeared in my dream.

There were two other robots in the room.

One robot looked exactly like 1987. His name was Alfred.

The other robot was a lot taller than 1987. She was wearing lipstick and had long purple hair. Her name was also Alfred.

To make it a little easier to follow, short robot Alfred will be here on referred to as Alfred I.

To make it a little easier to follow, tall robot Alfred with the lipstick and the purple hair will be here on referred to as I Alfred.

Alfred I spoke first. "Hi John, I'm Alfred, and this is my wife, Alfred. We are going to run some tests on you, is that OK with you, do you understand what i'm telling you?"

I Alfred spoke next. "Hi John Bonser, I'm Alfred, and I am the wife of Alfred. We are going to run some tests on you, is that OK with you, do you understand what i'm telling you?"

I had no idea why they repeated each other, but I nodded anyway. "I understand, but what kind of tests are you going to be conducting on me? I really need to know what is going on."

That is when I Alfred took off her robot shirt.

That is when Alfred I took off his robot shirt.

They then embraced each other.

What happened next is kind of a mystery to me.

The lights went out.

Flashes of lightning.

It got really cold.

Lightning stopped.

I felt a gush of wind.

I blacked out.

Eventually I unblacked out.

Lights came on. Everything appeared normal. I had a slight headache. Only I Alfred was in the room. She had a plate of strawberries. She fed me one. "How do you feel?" she asked.

"Funny. What happened?"

"We did some tests."

"Where is 1987?"

"He'll be back in a few minutes."

"Where is your husband, Alfred?"

I Alfred looked at the strawberries and gave a robot wink. "Don't worry about that scumbag."

I didn't worry about that scumbag. But I did stop eating the strawberries. And I did start worrying about my headache, which was getting worse. And I all of a sudden really had to take a piss.

Then I Alfred looked at me, and started to undo the belts that were fastening me to the bed.

"You better get out of here before 1987 comes back."

Don't call it a comeback. I've been here for years

"Wait, I have to get out of here?"

"Yes. You don't want to be here when 1987 gets back. He's going to be pretty mad when he finds out that you killed Alfred."

Part 5 of 57

It'll make sense later

Ghost protractors

I got em. I got em, you want em?

Paradise.

Cinema Paradiso

Ramble on

John Bonser was sitting at a bar. He ordered a cocktail and he had nothing on his feet. The bar tender brought over a cocktail and a pair of sneakers. John Bonser thanked the bar tender and gave him a couple extra euros.

"Thanks" the bar tender said.

"No...thank you." John Bonser said as he slammed his face into the bar, breaking his nose in the process. Blood splattered everywhere. It was a strange scene. The bar tender did not care. He grabbed a rag and started cleaning up te blood. He did a half-ass job as you might imagine. After he threw the bloody rag at the cook in the back, he came back with a bottle of Bud and a shot of Vat 69.

"Shit, Bobby, I got no more euros" John Bonser told the bar tender.

"That's ok, it's on me." Bobby said. Bobby leaned over and kissed John Bonser on his forehead. As he pulled away, he whispered into John Bonser's ear. John Bonser threw his bottle of Bud at the mirror above the bar. Glass smashed, and other patrons started to shuffle out of the bar. John Bonser threw back the shot, and got off his bar stool. He took his credit card, went to the juke box and ordered 20 songs with his Visa. Actually, he ordered two songs, and played them each ten times. The first song was "Wild Horses" by the Rolling Stones. Halfway through the first playing of the song, John Bonser took his foot and shoved it up the juke box's ass. The song stopped playing. John Bonser went back to his bar stool and Bobby brought over a beer and a shot. Bobby leaned over again and kissed John Bonser on the lips, and they made out for a little bit.

They were interrupted by a voice at the end of the bar. The voice said, "YOU TWO CUT THAT SHIT OUT". The voice belonged to Mary Scoobadoodab-dadoodab. Historians estimate that Mary was 125 years old. She claimed to be 81. No one can be completely sure which is closer to the truth. Does her age really matter? Not at all. Mary had but a few minutes left on this cold, cold earth.

Mary Scoobadoodab-dadoodab approached Bobby and John Bonser, armed with nothing more than her rickety walker and homophobia. John Bonser was furious about the interruption of the sweet embrace, and more importantly possibly getting his free booze cut off, hopped off his bar stool and was about to punch ol' Mary Scoobadoodab-dadoodap in her throat WHEEEEEEEN the children made their way into the bar. The children walked into the bar in a single file line. They were all carrying laptops, and all the laptops were connected to each other by blue and red cables.

"We are migrant, we are migrant workers" the children sang as they surrounded Mary Whateverthefuckisaid. Mary panicked and tried to break out of the migrant worker/laptop circle of despair, when the ceiling of the bar opened up. A gigantic TI-83 Scientific Calculator fell from the heavens and landed directly on Mary. Mary's head severed from her body and the tallest of the migrant worker children collected the head and placed it in a Louis Vuitton bag. He then lead the other child migrant workers out of the bar. They walked in a single file line and they chanted early 90s gangster rap.

John Bonser, shrugging at the spectacle, reached for a crusty ashtray, and poured its contents down the front of his pants. John Bonser then headed towards the bar's elevator...

That's when I woke up. I was tied to a bed. 1987 was there.

"How was your sleep, John?" 1987 asked

"It waaaaaas sssstraaange" I replied

"Were there any children with laptops in the dream?"

"Yeahh. Howw'd yoo knnow?" I stammered

"Shit, John. We got some fucking problems." 1987 shouted.

Refrigerators and the robots that built them (part 4a and part 4b of 57)

I originally thought nothing happened on the staircase. I wrote about it in part 4a. However, after thinking about the series of events with 1987, I realized that a lot had happened on the staircase. Perhaps I just tried to block it all out. I wrote about what really happened in part 4b.

part 4a

I followed 1987 down the staircase. There were approximately 35 stairs in the staircase. When we got to the bottom of the staircase there was a door with a window. From this window came a red blinking light. As 1987 reached for the door knob, I began to feel sick to my stomach.

part 4b

I followed 1987 down the staircase. I looked over 1987, but could not see the bottom of the staircase. All I could see was a faint blinking red light. I asked 1987 how many stairs there were in the staircase. 1987 told me that there were 1,860 stairs from top to bottom. We stopped after descending exactly 22 steps. 1987 did not explain why we stopped, instead he seemed to power down a little bit. Confused by the pause, I stared at the wall. I noticed that there was some scribbling on the wall. When I looked closer at the scribbling, I noticed that it was in fact a quote. The scribble said:

"I am made all things to all men."

That quote sounded familiar at the time but I did not know why. Later I realized it was a quote from the bible. I did not really know much about the bible. I still don't really know much about it, but I did research that quote to figure out it's meaning.

After looking at the quote, I stepped back from the wall, and turned to see if there was anything on the other wall. Sure enough there was more scribble. I looked closer to read the scribble better. It said:

"Communication Breakdown, It's always the same, I'm having a nervous breakdown, Drive me insane!"

I'm not sure if it's important to tell you this, but I will anyway. The quote from the bible was on my right, when I was looking down the staircase. So that means the second quote was on the wall to the left when looking towards the bottom of the staircase. I did not know it at the time, but the second quote was from a Led Zeppelin song. Nothing wrong with getting the Led out from time to time, and I guess it's no different if you are a robot.

When I stepped back from the second quote, 1987 came back to life. He looked at me and asked if I was ready. I told him I was and we proceeded our way down the rest of the staircase.

Not really much to say about the rest of the time on the staircase. We had a little small talk about the 1985 Super Bowl winning Chicago Bears, evidently 1987 was in attendance. When we got to the bottom of the staircase there was a door with a window. From this window came a blinking red light. As 1987 reached for the doorknob I began to feel sick to my stomach.

OH SHIT, I forgot to tell you about the Japanese hornets. When we were about 20 stairs away from the bottom, I heard the buzz. 1987 looked at me and told me to start running. We made a mad dash to the bottom of the staircase, but I was bit by some sort of bug. Later I learned it was a Japanese hornet. When we got to the bottom of the staircase there was a door with a window. From this window came a blinking red light. As 1987 reached for the doorknob I began to feel sick to my stomach.

Oh no chewing gum and here's a story

Oh no.
Chewing Gum

Oh noooooooooooo
Chewing Gum (sing it backwards if you're satanic)

Toy guns raised in preschools
Put your hands where I can see them
Throwing yourself on the atomic bomb
blows my mind away

My German is terrible,, and I can't apologize for Germany
I'm seeing I'm changing directions already

Toy guns raised in preschools
brought in from home
and passed through security unnoticed
Duck, Duck, Goose'll be a lot more interesting


Here's a story:
Cub scouts.
Uniforms.
Patches.
Patches need to go on uniform.
Patches are badges?
Maybe.
Anyway, uniform needs badges.
Me: ?
Mom: ?
Me: ??
Mom: ??
Me: ???
Mom: ??!
Stapler.
First and only year of cub scouts.

Refrigerators and the robots that built them (Part 3 of 57)

I followed 1987 through the brand new door that appeared behind the refrigerator. Once crossing into the land of the robots I felt myself start to shiver. Robot land was a lot colder than I anticipated. I always expected Robot land to be about the same temperature as the world I lived in. *

*You are probably wondering why I had anticipated a Robot land. It's a legitimate question, to which I have a simple answer; I always prepare for the most ludicrous situation because I am employed in the disaster management industry.

I was hunched over, anxiously rubbing my arms to try and generate some heat, when I realized more about my surroundings. I was behind the refrig...no that doesn't make sense, I wasn't in the refrigerator, and the back of the refrigerator is usually pretty hot.

"1987, why is it so cold in here?"

"We're robots. It suits us better." he answered. After he realized I was struggling with the temperature of my new environment, he pressed his robot nipple and the top of his head opened up. He reached his robot hand into the new opening and pulled out a life-size polar bear and a life-size koala bear. Not only were they life-size, they also appeared to be alive (use of italics woulda been nice somewhere in this sentence). 1987 then reached down and pulled off his robot leg. With his foot in his hand he extended his leg in the direction of the polar bear. Before fully realizing what was happening, I heard the bang, and the polar bear's face exploded and the body fell to the ground. Then 1987 aimed his leg at the cute and cuddly koala bear and blew its head off.

I stood and watched in terror for the next 20 minutes as 1987 skinned both of the carcasses. After the twenty minutes, 1987 approached me and extended his hand to give me a brand new polar bear coat and a koala bear hat. He then said "Maybe now you can stop your complaining?"

I was still stunned but was able to force out a question. "Couldn't you have just pulled a premade coat and hat out of your tiny robot head?"

"Yes, John Bonser, I could have done just that." 1987 replied, and gave me a robot wink.

This is when I realized I was in some deep shit. This had nothing to do with robots' rights to own property. I turned to see if there was anywhere I could run, but there was total blackness behind me. I had no choice but to put on my coat and my hat, and after I began to warm up, I was able to gather myself. I followed 1987 as we began to descend a stair case, at the bottom there appeared to be a faint blinking light.

Waiting for the train

I made friends with weirdos last night. Late night trains are good for supplying weirdos. We were all freaking out, because the R3 train was running 15 minutes late. One crazy wacko asked to use my phone. I told her she couldn't use it, because I remembered that story about people covering payphones with acid tabs. I didn't want to seem mean though, so I told her I got no service. Even though she asked me right after I got off the phone. She questioned that, "weren't you just on the phone?". "Ummm. What?" I said. Answering a question with a question is a good way to get out of most situations. Or just pretend you don't speak English. That's what I do when people try selling me women's socks on the Broad Street Line. "Socks, Socks, Socks, 3 for a dollar." They shove the crusty socks in my face. I shrug my soldiers and say "Du sollst ihm deine Handynummer geben" and then I point to the passed out bum 3 seats in front of me. Then I shrug and start to drool a little.

Oh anyway, NCAA basketball time. I picked a final four of freaking Oregon, Pitt, G-Town, and and and Memphis. Highly unlikely but I hate #1's. I have G-Town over Pitt in the Big East Final, and when G-Town wins, you'll realize the last team to beat them was Syracuse.

And then I'll get out my BMX and do table endos.

Software, hardly understood

My cat bit me on the knuckle of my thumb. It hurt real bad, but I didn't jump when it happened. Instead I just sat there and marvelled at the little thing's determination. When it had enough of my thumb, it jumped down off the couch and went into the kitchen for a drink of water. I sat and stared at my thumb, the blood beginning to form a pool at the indentations from the teeth. I'm going to need a band-aid. I did nothing, however, and turned the television on to the Cartoon Network.

An hour or so went by when I heard a banging on the front door. I looked at my watch. 2:30 A.M. Strange! I stood up and found myself standing knee deep in blood. Shit. Should have put on a band-aid! I waded to the front door, opened it, and came face to face with Marty from across the hall.

"Marty, it's late, what do you want?"

"THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! IT'S FLOWING INTO MY APARTMENT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?"

"What the fuck do you want me to do about it?" I asked as I slammed the door in his face, splattering blood everywhere. I turned and headed toward the couch.

"That Marty's a bitch, isn't he?" Said a voice.

"Who the helllll..." I turned. The voice had come from my cat, who was rowing a boat through the now waste high blood.

"Nice boat, cat."

"Yeah I know, look sorry about the blood and the biting you and all, but we should get out of here before the cops come."

"Ok."

I hopped into m cat's row boat and we sailed through the apartment and fell down t he waterfall that had formed outside the bathroom window. Once outside, we rowed to the bloody pond's edge and we climbed up the bank to a grassy clearing.

"Do you have any idea where you are?"

"No, cat, I haven't a clue what's going on."

"It's cool, you'll like it here."

"If you say so."

And after saying htat, the cat whistled as loud as she could and out of the woods came a pacifist Labrador Retriever named Ladybug.

Refrigerators and the robots that built them.

I found myself sitting at the table in the kitchen, smoking a clove cigarette. Normally I don't smoke cigarettes, especially not clove cigarettes, but this was an unusual circumstance. The reason I was smoking a cigarette, was because it was offered to me by 1987. 1987 was the robot sitting directly across from me.

I met 1987 when I ran into the kitchen after I heard the refrigerator door being slammed shut. When I turned the corner and entered the kitchen, I saw what looked to be a toddler standing on a chair. This toddler had taken out the peanut butter and the jelly and was making a sandwich. The problem was the toddler's skin was made of metal and there was a stench of burning plastic. The metallic toddler turned around and introduced himself as "1987" and said he was a robot. After five minutes of freaking out, I was able to come to my senses and take his offer of the clove cigarette. He lit it up, and we started to become acquainted with one another.

"1987 is a pretty crappy name." I had the nerve to say.

"You're a pretty crappy writer." 1987 shot back. "Anyway, stop cutting me off." 1987 then went on to explain how he had come from behind the refrigerator. He and his robot friends were living behind the refrigerator for the past 55 years. 1987 didn't remember all 55 of those years because he was only born 32 years ago. Evidently, before 1987 and his gang moved into my house, they used to live in the basement of the town courthouse. They moved because they didn't like the way the courthouse smelled.

"Behind the refrigerator? How the fuck..." Just as I was saying that, 1987 swallowed his clove cigarette, and effortlessy pulled the refrigerator away from the wall. He placed his robot palm flat against a section of the wall, gave a little hum, and next thing you know a panel is being removed from what I thought was a seamless wall. Light poured out from the miniature doorway and 1987 waved me over to him. I placed the clove cigarette into an ashtray and walked over to 1987.

"What's going on?" I nervously asked.

1987 took my hand and started shaking it. "Congratulations, John Bonser. You are going to go where no other human has gone before. You are going to meet my robot friends. Don't be worried, we're not going to hurt you. We just feel that it is time that we started getting some equal rights. Mr. Bonser. We are going to need your help in helping us buy our own property.

That's when I followed 1987 into the robot land behind the refrigerator.

The Great Big Soda in the Sky.

Sat for a while today. Just sat there. I had a lot to do, but it didn't get done. I have no one to blame, but myself, really. But, I, didn't, feel, like blaming, myself,. I, wanted, to, point, my, finger, at, someone, or, something,.

It was my turn. I took the stone and threw it at the numbers. It landed on six. It always lands on six when I throw it. I hopped through the course, hitting all the numbers except number six. It was hard to not jump on six, I had to do my best to try and remember to go directly from five to seven. Eventually the sun exploded and I had to go home for dinner.

"How was school?" Dad asked.

"Just sat there." I replied.

"Again? Why?" He asked.

I pointed at my Dad.

"Don't pull that shit again tonight" Dad scolded.

"Did you play after school?" Mom asked changing the subject.

"Yeah, I played some hopscotch." I replied.

"Oh that's nice, did you play with some of the other girls?" Mom asked.

"Nope, no one wanted to play with me."

I used to have a bunch of friends at school. We used to sit at the same lunch table and trade My Little Ponies. But then Jenny lost my favorite My Little Pony, Sparkles. To pay her back, I scooped some cat crap out of our litter box, brought it to school, and placed it in her lunch box in the morning when she wasn't around. You should have heard the bitch scream when she opened her lunch box at lunch time that day. Not as many people laughed as I had planned so I panicked and threw my juice box at Mrs. Clancy. That got me in some serious trouble, but eventually I was able to go back to school. However, all the other girls found out that I was responsible for the cat crap and t hey turned on me, leaving me friendless. Well not completely friendless, the kid who shat his pants during gym class wanted to be my friend but I spit my gum into his hair and threw his school bag in the creek out behind the school.

So now I play Hopscotch by myself and always throw my stone at the number 6. And if I accidentally place my foot in the "6" square, it's not really going to make any difference. It's kinda like drinking whiskey by yourself in an alley. You are still gonna get drunk, so let's stop being so damn worried.

Nothing going on today.

One of the news' stories I didn't read was about somebody going to rehab.
Or.
One of the new's stories I didn't read was about somebody going to rehab.
Or.
I don't have a lot on my mind today.

I don't think I'll end up in rehab one day, but I guess I should never say never. I emailed the lady and told her I dressed myself like one of those homie toys from those vending machines at supermarkets. I also told her it was not a bad idea to start drinking malt liquor at 7:30 in the morning. So I went to the store and bought some Olde English. Then I went to a movie theater and paid full price to watch the previews. Nothing really looked that great except for maybe My Cousin Vinnie. That one looks pretty funny. Seriously, My Cousin Vinnie is a good movie. If Ralph Maccio is in a movie, 9 times out of 10 it'll be good. If he was in Home Alone, I bet I would have said 10 times out of 10.

Ten times out of ten.

I don't feel much like blogging today.

Woot vs. Boing, Bird and Girl Comic:


Scene 1: Girl says boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing. Girl is holding a fork. Bird is saying woot woot woot woot woot woot woot wooot.
Scene 2: Girl is saying boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing. Bird is saying woot woot woot woot woot woot woot woot woot woot woot woot woot woot. Both the boings and woots are angrier.
Scene 3: Bird has fork in his eye and he is screaming. Girl is mischeviously smiling and saying boing boing boing boing boing.

20 Ideas for Girl and bird.

Girl and bird ideas

Idea #1. Scene 1. Girl and bird standing next to each other, girl has a lollipop.
Scene 2. You see bird start to fly away
Scene 3. Girl is licking lollipop and has a thought bubble of "Nice." She is covered in birdshit.

Idea #2. Scene 1. Girl and bird standing next to each other near train tracks, girl has a yo-yo. Bird says "Can I try that?"
Scene 2. Bird has yo-yo and is doing a trick and says "Watch this." to girl.
Scene 3. Bird has hog-tied girl to the train tracks with the yo-yo and girl says "Oooooh you are a master of the yo-yo." as a train starts to come in the distance "Choo Chooooooooooooooo".

Idea #3. Scene 1. Bird says "i wrote a blog about you last night. It was about you waiting for a train..." Girl says "I didn't see it."
Scene 2. Bird continues "...and instead of getting on the train when it came, you went and bought Parliament cigarettes" Girl says "I'd really like to see it"
Scene 3. Bird says "Oh, i didn't post it. it's way too personal" Girl says "oh ok I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go."

Idea #4. Scene 1. Girl says "I got you some canoli off the internet for Valentine's Day." Bird says "That sounds nice."
Scene 2. Girl says "It cost $60 for the canolis, but there are only 10 of them." Bird says, "Oh that's not important".
Scene 3. Girl says "Actually I didn't order you anything at all." Bird says "I figured you wouldn't."

Idea #5. Scene 1. Girl is pissed off "fuck fuck fuck!!! i went to get a coffee but didn't have my atm card. i am so mad"
Scene 2. Bird says to girl: "Oh so you didn't get any coffee? you coulda probably begged for enough change outside. U coulda said you were from new orleans or something"
Scene 3. Girl says to bird: "yeah i guess but i don't look dirty today. i took a big shower before i left the house"

Idea #6. Scene 1. Bird and girl are outside of a rock venue. Bird asks "Was that the first time you've crowd surfed?" Girl says "No, that wasn't my first time, but i can act like it was if you want me to be baby"
Scene 2. "I'm really glad you crowd surfed tonight." Bird said. Girl responds "It needed to be done."
Scene 3. Bird asks "You wanna go get fish tacos?" Girl replies "Your face is a fish taco".

Refrigerators and the robots who built them.

I heard the whisper when I was washing the dishes. It was about 10:30 at night or so and I wasn't really paying much attention to the dishes. I was doing a pretty lousy job of scrubbing all the crusty mustard off of the plates because my mind was off wandering around somewhere thinking about something. The soapy water was rising higher in the sink and bubbles were overflowing, dripping down onto my bare feet. At one point I dropped the sponge, and when I bent over to pick it up, I heard a whisper coming from behind the refrigerator:

"Pssssssssssst. Come 'ere, baby."

Or at least I thought I heard a whisper then. Maybe I was just spacing out a little bit too hard, so I decided to resume with the washing of the dishes. After I washed our cereal bowls from the morning, I turned off the water and placed everything in the drying rack. Dishes were done. I took a paper towel and wiped down the counter the best I could. I was on my way out of the kitchen when I heard some rustling coming from behind the refrigerator. I decided to check it out, so I knelt down by the back of the refrigerator. I looked behind the refrigerator to see if anything looked out of place. Nothing was strange. It all looked normal to me. Just to make sure though, I went into the supply closet and grabbed a mouse trap. I spread some peanut butter onto the trap, set it, and slid it behind the fridge. Since we owned cats I thought it was kind of strange that we'd all of a sudden have a mice problem, but after hearing noise the second time, I'm pretty sure something was hiding back there. I turned off the kitchen light and went to see if Amanda was still up.

In the bedroom I noticed that Amanda had fallen asleep. To her side was the women's magazine she was reading and it was open to an article called "How to tell if your man is being faithful". Are you serious, Amanda? I threw the magazine on the floor and turned off the light. I wasn't tired yet, so I decided to go into the living room and watch the evening news. In the middle of some story about a teenager who was arrested after being found with two pounds of marijuana in his high school locker, I heard the refrigerator open and slam shut. After that, I heard what sounded like a jar rolling across the kitchen floor. I jumped to my feet and ran towards the kitchen.

Phone books.

Pete Peterson summed it up pretty well in a blog comment to the last blog I wrote, saying something like, "oh you must be pretty bored, cuz when I'm bored that's when I start imagining physical injury." It is true. I am pretty bored. Or maybe I have just become boring. Or maybe nothing.

Maybe a lot of stuff. My finger was bleeding earlier. I don't remember catching it on anything, but I was typing and I noticed that blood was running down the keys and onto my desk. Not a lot of blood so I didn't really consider going to the ER, but enough blood to have to get up and wash the cut and get a band-aid. I got up and went into my boss's office and grabbed a band-aid and some neosporin. I globbed the neosporin all over my middle finger and put on the band-aid. The band-aid didn't stick to well because I put on way too much neosporin, but in today's world you can never be too careful. Like, what if my cut was caused by peanut butter and anthrax. Or maybe I cut it on a rusty paperclip. Too many things to worry about.

When I got to work today there was a phone book on my chair in my work station. I didn't know why we got a phone book because we have the internet, and I told my coworker that. I said "We have the internet, we don't need a phone book." So now I am sitting on the phonebook. It's sort of weird, but I have to make my statements someway or another. Sitting on the phone book got me thinking. You know how when kids are little and they are at a restaurant and they don't have child booster seats, the staff'll grab a couple of phone books and the munchkins will sit on them? Well, in the near future when phone books become obsolete, what is going to happen to kids who can't reach the table cuz they are so small? Like you go to Chili's or something and you bring your little kid along and you ask for a booth and a booster seat, but the hostess is like oh all the booster seats are currently being used, and then you go "Oh, that's fine, just grab a few phone books, Johnny doesn't care" and then the Hostess freaks some more and goes "Oh, they dont make phone books anymore." That's when we'll realize how awful the internet really is. You can't sit on the internet. And that means the kids won't be able to reach their food. Kids'll starve thanks to the internet. The internet is worse than peanut butter I think, honestly.

Maybe that's a stretch of an idea. But I think magazines are going to disappear in the next few hours. I know Time had a huge layoff because they can't compete with the internet. Which is a shame, because I really enjoy magazines. I don't even know why I subscribe to them because I read maybe one article per issue, but I still feel it's worth it, even though I probably read about 40-50 internet articles a week. I think I got to make a spreadsheet about all this stuff.

Finally, I do give Rome the recommendation. The first 3 or 4 episodes I wasn't feeling it because I didn't know what anyone was talking about it, but by episode 5 or 6 when Caesar tears Egypt up, I'm like yup, this is something I can recommend. I just realized this show came out in 2005 though, so everyone probably has already seen it and forgotten about it. That's fine.

Go memorize the phone book while you still can.

-sXe.

Most things are bullshit

What goes around comes around. I got that tattooed around my ankle, except I had it converted into Farsi. One of the many ways I picture myself dying is by decapitation. I'm pretty sure someone is going to attack my neck with a sword, there'll be a brief skirmish, and my head will be lopped off. I think that is one of the main reasons why I love neck tattoos. I would really like to cover my neck in a scene from the book, "Where the Wild Things Are" so that way my murderer will have a hard time locating my neck. I think while he is confused, I can plan an escape, perhaps grabbing a frying pan and smacking the murderer in the head with it as hard as I can, or possibly by gathering some dynamite and blowing the murderers body apart. It sucks that I work a desk job where neck tattoos are frowned upon. If only I could be in the NBA or in a boy band.

I admire people that cover hand grenades with their bodies. They see the hand grenade land, and there is a brief instance where everybody is going to be shrapnelled to death, so one hero in the bunch makes the decision to take one for the team. They'll lay down on the grenade and do their best to smother the explosion. 9 times out of ten, only the hero gets killed. Occassionally something will go wrong, such as the hero will dive but he'll be too late or he'll miss the grenade and as a result someone else may be torn apart but that is really rare. It's not really that hard to land on top of the hand grenade if you jump at the right time. Remember when I said I picture myself dying a whole bunch of different ways? I've never pictured myself diving onto a hand grenade. It's really disappointing, because I wouldn't mind being considered a hero, but honestly, I sort of see myself throwing someone else onto it, then running like hell. I'd probably get decapitated when I got away by some angry opposing war general or possibly even my war general. "YOU COWARD" THEY'D SHOUT and they'd see past my neck tattoo and chop my friggin head off.

If I do get my head chopped off, it'd be sort of fitting that they played a quick game of football with it, before FedExing it to my parents, but something tells me that people who chop heads off really aren't interested in football. They seem like a serious bunch, who have to plot their next decapitation. It'd be neat if my neck tattoo was of a guillotine. I don't think I'll honestly ever get a neck tattoo, I just don't think I've ever blogged about a neck tattoo.

I guess this isn't a very cheery blog, but it's honestly not that bad. Does anybody else wait for trains and picture themselves jumping onto the tracks right before the train is about to start back up and go to the next train station. And telling the conductor to STTTOPPPPP! at once! Then you board the train and you look at each and every passenger to determine who has been naughty and who has been nice. You have a horse whip in your hand, and a bottle full of moonshine in the other.

peanut butter.

I'm having one of those weeks where I wish I was able to transform myself into a chewable Flinstone vitamin so I would forget to take myself. I'm not sure that accurately describes how I feel, but it's something along those lines. Seriously.

I think I got my glasses in the second or third grade, but I was too embarrassed to wear them to school so I usually sat underneath the blackboard so I could almost see what was going on. With my location, I remember noticing that our teacher's body sweated way more than any normal human being should sweat. Kind of like Patrick Ewing after a double overtime win. Whenever she walked by my desk I was always afraid her armpit sweat would run down her arm and drip onto my desk. However, I guess I chose to get sweated on instead of wearing glasses to school, because I'm sure the second or third grade bullies would pound on me. Eventually, I had no choice so I wore the glasses, and that is when the hyperventalating started. It got to the point where I woke up in the middle of the night and ran into my mom's room, where my mom and stepdad were "watching" Kindergarden Cop starring the future governor of California. My mom was genuinely concerned, so she drove me to the E.R. After waiting a few hours, the doctor checked me out, and after doing a thorough analysis, he prescribed a paper bag to me. "If you ever feel you are having difficulty breathing, just breathe into the bag." This was way more embarrassing than wearing glasses.

The next week in school, I could not breath at all except when it was time to go to lunch or the library or gym class or art or wherever. When all the kids would line up to class, I'd grab the paper bag out of my back pocket and I would gasp for a few precious breaths. Then I would join up with the rest of my classmates and hold my breath some more. I think eventually I did grow out of the hyperventalating, but I remember once I accidentally smeared a bunch of peanut butter all over my paper hyperventalating bag. I think that was the turning point when I began to realize most things are bullshit.

Wu-Tang vs. Run DMC

It's getting hot in here. There was a thing on MTV last night ranking the top 10 hip-hop or rap groups of all time. We watched it right before falling asleep, and I don't know if it played a factor in my dreams at all, but it was still a pretty interesting show. Run DMC was the #1 rap group of all time, which I guess makes sense because Run DMC was pretty ground-breaking when it came to rap groups. I can't argue with how good they are, and there role in 80's culture with the Adidas track suits/shelltop sneakers, it's just I can't believe they are the #1 rap group of all time. However, if I was given a vote, I'd probably vote for the Wu-Tang Clan, who got a curious #5 selection, behind freaking Outkast. Wu-Tang seems like a pretty serious group and they have a lot of group members so I'd vote for them based solely on size. Also, comparing the two, I'd say Wu-Tang is better than Run DMC, although I honestly don't really know too much about either of the groups. 36 Chambers is a very good rap album and I listened to it last week and it seems to still be pretty listenable, and I don't own any of Run DMC's albums, but the Who's House, Run's House song is good I guess. I guess you can argue that you can't have the Wu-Tang Clan if you don't have Run DMC, but I'm not sure I buy that really. Wu-Tang would still be the Wu-Tang with or without Run DMC because they don't sound anything alike, but DMX might not be DMX without Run DMC and the Golden State Warriors 3 guard attack of Chris Mullin/Tim Hardaway/Mitch Richmond would DEFINITELY not be Run TMC without Run DMC. I don't know if I buy this Run DMC thing. And shouldn't Run DMC get major deductions for collaborating with Aerosmith? I don't understand how anybody really got into Aerosmith. I think there was a time I liked them as a kid, but I honestly think it might have been clever marketing and me being 13 and being brainwashed by Alicia Silverstone in those crappy Aerosmith songs. All 3 of them songs were exactly the same. So perhaps Aerosmith should get some of the blame for tarnishing my remembrance of Run DMC. It's a shame too, because if I was 17 again, I'd go out and buy a Run DMC album tomorrow just because MTV showed me how important Run DMC was to the history of hip hop, and I'd get home and I'd listen to it maybe once and then halfway through I'd realize I don't even like rap or hip-hop. I don't know why it bothered me so much, I didn't get a vote, so I just went to sleep. Outkast was a curious top 5 selection though, I think their double CD is one of the most overrated CDs in the history of Compact Discs. I mean it's not bad, it's just not great. Hey Ya was a hit, but that's really the only song I remember from that double disc collection. It's amazing that album went platinum 11 times, but I guess I shouldn't be too shocked because I bought the damn thing too. Big Boy's disc was pretty forgettable, and Andre 3000's side was pretty fun I guess, but it was a stepback from their collaborative stuff in their prior albums. And how can they be considered a group when those were both solo albums. Wu-Tang got deductions because they didn't do many group albums. It's a shame Wu-Tang didn't get top ranking. If I was to do a top 10 Hip-Hop or Rap group of all time, I'd probably do it as follows. I just made the list and realized I had to stop at 7.

1. Wu-Tang Clan
2. Public Enemy
3. N.W.A.
4. Kris Kross
5. A Tribe Called Quest
6. Beastie Boys
7. Run DMC

I'm pretty tired of people always being like Oh Wu-Tang is only #5. Give me and Wu-Tang a break.

Monday Morning

Today was Monday. It still is technically, but I bet when you read it, it'll be another day. Maybe it'll be Friday or Thursday or Sunday. I guess there is a chance that when you read this it'll be a Monday. There's a 1 in 7 chance I guess. However with me, there's a 1 in 5 chance that this'll be a Monday because Blogger doesn't work at home. I click on blogger, and the page just goes a little haywire. Like it is trying to load up a page, but it never really actually works. Today sort of sucks. It's going so slow. Mondays usually do suck pretty bad. People say stuff like, Wish it wasn't Monday, on Monday. Having a birthday on a Monday is pretty terrible. Because then people will hate you. Because they think you are having a really good Monday since it's your birthday. Then it's like you are going to have a really good week, since it started off so great with your birthday. You don't really have your Monday, the Monday is overshadowed because it's your birthday. That's what people think anyway. I don't necessarilly believe that it is true. My birthday is just another day, and if it's a Monday, it'll probably be pretty crappy. But it's not my birthday, it's just Monday. So that being said, I don't know what else to blog about today. I wish I had some cheese doodles or something, can I get an Amen to that?

Marchness

Today seems like a good day to be not at work. Ever have one of them days? Like everyday. Wake up and go, "not going to work" and then you think about it some more and then you go "ever" and chuckle a little bit. So you hit snooze and after 15 minutes or less, you get up and totally go to work? That's what I do. Except I never hit snooze. I don't believe in taking snoozes. I just get up and swear in the shower and go to work. I ran to work today. Ran to the train anyway. It was pissing rain, so I got soaked because I'm boycotting the umbrella industry. Umbrellas are useless, I think I'm gonna buy a poncho today and a hoverboard. I was soaked on the train, and New Balances are not water proof, so my socks are pretty wet. I think I caught pneumonia, so I've been coughing obnoxiously at work. I'm waiting for someone to say, oh just go home...WOW the sun just came out. Nice. I feel better already.

I got paid today, so I think I'm going to order a Mac computer and have it shipped UPS. I love that one commercial where it's the cool, hip Mac guy, and the nerdy older IBM guy. What the hell is up with those commercials? They are not even close to being good. I hate that one commercial where the IBM guy is "upgrading" and he is getting a webcam taped to his head. And the Mac guy is like, oh I got one built into my shirt or something. Implying that the IBM guy is lame or whatever, but I think having a webcam taped to your head is pretty cool. I'd get one taped to my head if I wasn't so paranoid. Secondly, I hate the commercial cuz my sister knows the cool Mac guy. She's all, "You know that commercial, I went to college with him". He's also the guy from Dodgeball I guess. I really don't care if people know people, so I just say, OH I hate that commercial. AND I hated DODGEBALL. Which is not true, I enjoyed Dodgeball with Ben Stiller being Mr. Whitesnake or something. That was funny. My sister and her boyfriend dressed up as that commercial for Halloween Hollaback. PRETTY FUNNY, HUH? I saw the pictures. It was not very funny. My sister was just wearing some Mac labels and was making drunk faces in all the pictures, and her boyfriend had nerd glasses on. Nerd glasses apparently are just large glasses, like the ones I wore pretty much up to 8th grade. So apparently I was a nerd. I am not a nerd now (except I have a myspace account for an imaginary side project for an imaginary band and currently run 3 blogs or so with ideas for about 5 or 6 more blogs). Anyway, a nerd costume is not a great idea. Shot in the face halloween costume IS a great idea. I wish I had macaroni and cheese.

I also have a serious problem with that UPS commercial where it's that wanna-be Gen-Xer drawing on a screen with a dry erase board marker and he draws dots in a circle and then he makes a big smiley faced "U" and then he writes PS after it. It's a stretch of a good idea. I used to want to do commercials, but Red Stripe stole all my good ideas. If I was UPS or Mac I'd just get a bunch of people together, go to a bobsled trail, have all the actors do a few shots of Jaeger, and then just hit record. Then at the end I'd say UPS/Mac: This is our stupid commercial, Support America, Give us Money. That'd me my commercial. Commercial idea #2 would be like the Don't do drugs commercials. Where the people are stoned at the drive thru and they run over the little girl on the bike. That commercial rules. I'd do that ad for EVERYTHING. Commercial: Dudes (preferabbly a white dude and a black dude) in an In-N-Out, using an IBM laptop that's ginormous, they get their food, pay, speed off, but can't see over their gigantic IBM, run over a little girl. Then words "Don't kill little girls, buy a Mac". Commercial for UPS. FedEX in a drive thru at a BK (a Delivery truck in a drive thru is funny by itself), FedEx drives off, runs over a little girl. WORDS, "BROWN don't kill little girls". Something like that. Not a great idea, I guess. I'm only blogging cuz i'm bored.


VH1 did a show about white rappers. It was awful, but I watched every episode. Jus' Rhyme was the worst, but he made it to the top 3. He is a political rappers. Political rap makes no sense to me. Here's 22 pictures of Jus Rhyme.

More Yes Mustache Songs

Traffic Jam on the Interstate

It took to long to get home
Stuck in a subway station
with a plastic bag face mask
I can't afford to get sick

When I finally did get home
I realized I had left my keys
at work under my desk in my work shoes
my feet covered now in holey socks

I tried the fire escape
and thankfully I left the
bedroom window slightly open
and on getting inside, I sighed in relief

There's ways to do things
There's a right way and a wrong way
a quick way a short way a long way
a highway a thru way a get away

It doesn't matter to me how you
go about doing things, it
doesn't eve matter, I'm
pretty sure I'm not even paying attention.


Falling Down Hills Pretending they are Volcanoes

When you fell down the
hill people thought it was
accidental but replays show
you were not alone

It was a miracle that
anybody even found you
you were knocked unconscious
bleeding, broken every bone.

How do you feel now that
you know what really happened
Are you looking to fight
back and get even?

Take that day and
multiply your feelings on
itself and when you
done that 10 times

Get back to me
and eventually you'll
begin to understand how
you made me feel.



Boy sets fire, man puts it out

Say what you want, but atleast they did something about it.
When was the last time you did something that
made you feel so um um so alive

And who are you to just stand their and
a wait an orduh one you never question but you
follow it and with a garden hose you drown the rose bush

In the classroom their quietness was mistaken
for weakness but it's your cowardice that sparked
their self censorship

Underneat the rose bush they await
and as the sun absorbs the ocean
they will grow back tenfold.

And when you try drowning them out again
you better hope they haven't grown gills
I sort of hopoe that they haven't either
cuz i don't know how to uh uh swim.


Christopher Columbus BLVD.

Not another song about suh suh suicide
you got it if you want it
not another song about guh guh genocide
you got it if you clap your hands

If everyone stands in a line and
puts their hands on the shoulder of
the person in front of them
eventually we'd divide the world in two

I sure hope Columbus was wrong
a change in the wind can
knock the line off the edge
and into the jaws of the waiting unknown

Or I hope the middle man's knees
don't begin to faulter because
a collapse would mean disaster
for those behind and those in front

Also I hope no onoe begins
to push and shove because
that'll just leave us in
a pile where the weak get dead

I guess while you are forming
your impenetrable chain, I'll
be in the basement with a
shovel and a pail getting a head start.



My roll in history

At the dinner table
we meet again
All of us afraid
you had a bad day

This is where
eating disorders come from
the faster I eat
the faster I can get away

Hell is an overstatement
but normal is a dream
Nightmares could end
swiftly with a steak knife

You eventually stopped coming
to dinner altogether
you pulled me aside and
said that is what I asked for

You looked me in the eyes
and I didn't think you lied
I did ask for this
but honestly I think you got off E-Z.

We're older now and we
look back with mixed
emotions but generally
there all pretty messed up.




The train schedule is optimistic (time to get ill)

This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.

(music for 4 measures)

This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.

(Heavy breakdown)

Good things come
to those who WAIT
And by good things we mean
mental illnesses (YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH)

This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here

(music for 8 measures)

This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here

(Breakdown. HEEAAAVY)

My hypochondriac visions
show me as an OLD MAN
It's not a pleasant sight
I'm getting sicker and I'm still waiting (YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH)

(Back to intro then fade).




The Last Day of February (not a Smashmouth cover)

People all around me covered in sweat
while I'm in the middle calmly standing
If I make one questionable move
things are probably going to get pretty ugly

I see your face in my mirror
and I'm not sure if I like what I see
however I'm afraid if I break eye contact
The broken glass will tear me apart

When did it get to this?
Do you really need to know?
It was obvious to me from day one
you were smarter than me then

I can't blame you for letting
your emotions ruin the world
It seemed like a good idea
at the time. It always does.

But in the end it kind of worked out
we're in different spots
but the resemblance is there and
I've grown from your mistakes

And I'm way to uninterested in payback.

Best Buys

Dear Best Buy CEO or whoever the hell reads this,

I'm never going to buy anything from your store again. Unless I get a gift card, then I probably will buy something, but technically it is as if someone else is buying me something from your store. So consider yourself boycotted.

Here's a true story. Way back in 2004, I felt the urge to buy a computer so I could get a myspace account. I don't really know much about computers, so I let your associate convince me to save 25 dollars and buy a floor model lap top computer. I went home and realized that I wasn't given any back up cd's, or an instruction manual. I was given a computer and a power chord. Realizing this is absolutely the stupidest thing anybody could do, I went back to the store and tried returning the laptop, but of course your customer service would not allow me to return it, even though I was trying to buy a more expensive computer. Eventually I got to speak with the store manager, and after discussing the themes of the Orwell novel, Animal Farm, he decided to let me pay more for a computer that came in a box and had some cd's and an owner's manual. That's fine. I left frustrated but successful, and you guys had my money.

Fastforward to 2006 and I'm sitting around watching a Netflix on the laptop, when I notice that my laptop is setting my bed close to on fire. Really hot. I call up Santiso, and he's like, "a fan is probably busted, take that too Best Buy." So I take it to your crappy Geek Squad, and the guy turns on the computer and says, there is nothing wrong with it (it takes about 45 minutes to get hot), and he gave me back my computer. Frustrated, I left the store because I'm sure the guy felt I was an idiot. Anyway, guess what... the computer broke. Thanks a lot, Geek Squad. It just failed to turn on. I tried hitting F5 and a bunch of other keys, but nothing worked. I took it to the Geek Squad and I found out I'm still under warranty and they'll fix it. I gave it to you guys back at the end of January, and you said it'd take two weeks and zero dollars (I'm under warranty) to fix it. Great! 2 weeks go by and you don't call. So I call and I get some representative and he's like, Oh we don't know what's wrong with it, we shipped it out. It should take another week. Week goes by and no call. I call, and someone just lies and says oh it's being sent back in a week. Person had no clue, just wanted to get me off the phone. Week goes by and I call again. Person goes, "We are waiting for a MotherBoard". I said, "Aren't we all". I also said, "Do you know how long??" She said, "We are waiting for a mother board...can't even estimate". So I said, "Isn't Best Buy a large company where they should know things like this?". I hung up the phone. I thought, so I'll call back in a week. My question to you, Best Buy, is how come you can not have some sort of system to send an email to the customer with status update. Like an email saying "Shipped to wherever..." "Motherboard needed..." "Motherboard requested..." Best Buy is a joke. You screw us with your crappy deals that aren't even that great. Only suckers buy stuff from you (me). So you have had my computer for the entire month of February which is absolutely absurd.

Before my computer broke, I got some Xmas giftcards from your store and bought a $700 Samsung. We took it home and set the heavy mofo up and it worked for a day before the TV broke. We would have returned it immediately, but it was way too heavy and we are way too busy, so we called Samsung and they sent two guys out to fix it and it took them 3 tries, but it still only took 2 weeks. Samsung was very pleasant to deal with, and they kept us up to date with all steps in the process. I'm pretty sure Samsung is a larger company than crappy Best Buy. You guys will eventually follow Nobody Beats the Wiz into bankruptcy.

I'm so mad I can't even proofread this, so if you have any questions, please contact me on my cell phone. Perhaps you can explain why you break stuff before you sell it? I will never buy from your store again unless you fix my laptop, and I will also urge the readers of my blog to do the same.

Bye.
Todd Kurpel
845-551-0789

Yes Mustache Songs

May I borrow your Uzi

Before you throw
boiling water into
my face please make
sure my eyes are open

And as my skin
begins to crackle and
pop don't forget
to hit record

I deserve whatever you think I deserve
Oncoming traffic, I will not swerve
And when the ambulance comes for me
Make sure you give a false address

Times were better
when I wasn't so
handsome and feeling my
veins own jealousy

It came to this
sitting in staircases
where houses once
stood before they did fall

Is this the happiest
you've ever seen me
if so are you even
sure you've ever seen me at all?



Backyard Fistfight

This is my passive aggressive way of telling you I'm sick of you, but we'll never even establish who you are even though you'll have a good idea that this is my way of saying fuck off if you even bother to listen to this at all. I don't even know why I bothered going out of my way to even try to acknowledge the situation, I'm not sure this is worth anybody's time or any of my breath. If we were ten again I'd invite you over and we'd make a fort in the backyard and eventually we'd argue about who was the cop and who was the criminal and we'd end up black and blue and bleeding from the ear. If I saw you today I'd hide behind street signs and throw bricks at your face and hope I'd smash your glasses. Then if you saw me, I'd point at the next guy and see if you'd want to get a cup of coffee. I have these ideas and I'm afraid you might hear them, but if you do hear this I hope you turn it up really loud.


Soda in a can

Is this soda good for anybody?
If it is, is it good enough for me?
and if so I'd like to share some with you
even though you probably want a beer.

Headachey next days spent walking casually
around water, the leaves changing and fall
to cover the obvious that
waits around every curve in the road.

Why'd you have to park so far away?
Why'd you have to lock your keys in the car?
You don't have to drive me all the way home
I'm pretty sure I can walk from here.

Oh mmy walk home I wonder where you'll go
will you go directly home or go out to get something to eat
If I said it didn't bother me I'd be lying.
Like a crushed can underneath one of 18 tires

If i crawled into one of these giant tires
and hitched a ride to get a thousand miles away
Don't expect to hear from me anytime soon
Don't expect to hear from me anytime sooooooooooooooooooooon.

The Oscars

Sarah and I tried watching the Oscars last night. We printed out a list of nominees and then we circled who we thought was going to win. We also drank the Silver Bullet.

Before all of this happened, I went to Deals in Media and bought 2 cans of spray paint. I plan on painting a pretty good picture on the skateboard I have that used to belong to Pat Walsh. I was going to paint this picture yesterday, but it started snowing. gniwons detrats ti tub ,yadretsey erutcip siht tniap ot gniog saw I. I couldn't get outside, so the project will have to wait until tonight.

Me and Sarah watched about 2 hours of the Oscars and we looked at our score sheet and realized that not even half of the awards have been presented. So we decided to turn it off. Besides, Jack Black had already performed his song, so there wasn't much of a need to stay up and watch the rest. I also thought Al Gore was going to say he was running for President in 2008, but instead he just punk'd America. Those dancers who formed movie titles behind the screen were pretty interesting. I am a little disappointed I didn't get to see Scorcese and Forrest Whitaker win. I was rooting for them both. When I read the news on CNN and saw that they had both won, I felt as if an elephant had been lifted from my back. It's amazing that this is Scorcese's first Oscar. Actually, I don't really care that Scorcese or Whitaker won an Oscar. All I know is that it's 1 more Oscar than I have. Someone just called from a Restricted # on my cell phone. I answered the phone very apprehensively. helllllooo? IS TODD KURPEL THERE? yeah. IS THIS TODD KURPEL? yeah. THIS IS JUDY FROM SUMTIN SUMTIN PHOTOGRAPHY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE BOOKED A PHOTOGRAPHER FOR YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING. i can't tell you that ma'am. CLICK. That's when I hung up the phone. The phone line was dead. Who are these people I thought? Why are they calling me while I'm at work. I got to get out of here. I have to get out of here real fast. The cellphone started ringing again. It was restricted. I answered the phone reallly nervouslike. hullah? IS TODD KRUPEL THERE? krupel? YES, A TODD KRUPEL, IS HE THERE? (what the hell?) i'm not so sure, let me check. 5 minutes go by. HELLO? yeah. IS TODD KRUPEL THERE? yeah he is. CAN I TALK TO HIM. no you can't, but I can take a message. WELL TELL TODD KRUPEL THIS IS BEST BUY, AND HE CAN"T HAVE HIS COMPUTER BACK FOR ANOTHER MONTH OR SO. i'll tell him the good news. I hung up the phone. The phone line went DEAD.

I wanted Forrest Whitaker to win. LAst King of Scotland looks good enough, I enjoy movies about cannibalism. But I'm not sure why I wanted Forrest Whittaker to win so badly. I kept telling people that Forrest Whittaker was a nice guy, but to be honest, I can't even remember ever meeting him or seeing a movie that he was in. For a second or two I thought he was in Finding Forrester, but that was Busta Rhymes and Sean Connery. You're the man now, dawg.

Sean Connery is Scottish. I wish he won the dang award.

Rome

I watched the first episode of Rome's first season last night. The show originally aired on HBO, but I watched it on a DVD that Netflix mailed to my apartment. I am not very good at remembering history, and part of me wants to believe that Rome is really in Greece, but I think it is not. I layed on the couch after feeding the cats and pressed play on the DVD remote control.

I have mixed emotions about the first episode. I was a little confused about who was who, and I had a hard time paying attention to the dialogue when everybody was fully clothed and/or not killing someone. There weren't a lot of times when people weren't being violent and/or naked, so I had a basic idea what was going on. To sum up episode one, a young Octavian (who is J.C's nephew) likes spying on his mother in a bath, but he does not like spying on her when she is having cow's blood poured on her. He also doesn't like when people tell him what to do and he sure doesn't like when people touch him. He has no problem slapping women or beating people to death with 2 x 4's. Also in the episode, there were a bunch of people who were crucified, a couple of people were beheaded, and a bunch of blue naked dudes killed a bunch of guards and stole J. Caesar's beloved Golden Eagle. The blue naked dudes were apparently Spaniards. "They were blue and naked"..."Oh, that's the Spaniards." I'm sure episode 1 is just a brief introduction into the series, I'm sure I'll be able to understand more what is going on a little bit later.

After episode 1 ended I was a little bit disappointed because I'm not sure who a bunch of characters were, but now that a day has passed, I can see myself getting hooked on this show. And thankfully I haven't a clue what happened in Ancient Roman days, so I have no clue if Octavian is going to die or if he is going to become a Spaniard, so it should make for good drama. I need to blow my nose.

The guy on the train

I think the guy who sat next to me on the train slept in a carton of cigarettes with 3 unlit cigarettes in his mouth. He sat down and the train ride went from whatever bad to sort of bad. He was rather obese and he had a pretty funky leather jacket and a brief case that was a different type of leather. They also reeked of cigarettes. The train kept going and I adjusted to my now dangerous environment and went back to reading my book when all of a sudden the guy stands up and starts humping the seat in front of us. I'm not positive he was actually humping the seat but I don't know how else to describe what he was doing. The train is between stops, moving at it's mild speed, when the guy stands up and starts rubbing the back of the seat in front of us with his entire body. The seat in front rocks a little bit, then a whole lot and the two guys in the seat look around, confused and annoyed, when the guy starts to apologize. I had no idea what to think, initially I thought he tried standing up to switch seats...lost his balance...but he stayed there way too long and after the dry hump, he just sat back down next to me as if nothing had happened. I looked at him, and I had about 3 million (or maybe just one thought) thoughts racing through my head and I was about to freak out on him, but instead I stuck out my hand and offered him a Parliament.

Jones Emails

Chris Jones was this homeless drunk that snuck into my high school for four years and was the only one to fail AP Calculus worse than myself. Over the years he felt the need to keep in touch with everybody at the same time through emails to groups of people. I have been saving all of his emails because I'm going to put them all together and make a book because they are the funniest things I have ever read. I will sell this book after his death because it wouldn't be right for him to someday make money. I do not know if these emails will be funny for those who don't know Chris Jones...also I couldn't include 95% of his emails because the subject matter was usually pretty un-P.C.

Excerpts from emails received from Chris Jones:

8/14/2004

...not making light of the topic but if/when i do die, you all amongst others best be there and say good things (no stories) or mark my words, i'll haunt yous the rest of your natural born lives. on a better note, life got new meaning last nite. after seeing some people i hadn't seen in yr+ and enjoying many a delicious 12oz frothy beverage, i watched Dazed and Confused for the first time in 8months and it was just as good as i remembered it being.JONES -post boozing hurts the body...

9/28/2004

...today, copy machine at work breaks, they buy new one, but cord is too short. guess who sits nearest to the outlet. exactly, so i got this copy machine right in front of the entrance to my desk....Kurpel: follow me with the math on my football picks. Pool consists of 95 people putting in $40 for a total of $3,800 divided by 17 weeks for a prize of $223.53 per week. a 30pck of PBR costs: $12.59+8%salestax+.05percandeposit for a total of: $15.10. Week prize of $223.53 divided by $15.10= 14 30pcks+ $12.13 left over. 14 30pcs = 420total cans. yeah i gotta win one week and i got 14 tries left. ...

10/24/2004

...Kurpel/Morales: what are you bitches doing for Thanksgiving since my family is ditching me and both of your families have put yous out. i've thrown out the BBQ Turkey idea cause i don't like poultry enough to actually build a spitfire girll but i may just bbq burgers/watch football at my parents house and do laundry while their in Conneticut...

11/20/2004

...best part of the week, some poor bastard on a bike got hit by a cab in front of my building. didn't see it happened, but i watched EMS scraping him off the concrete...

different email from 11/20/2004

...also just picked up a 6pack of "BlackLabelBeer" at the beer distributor, never heard/seen it before, so if any of you don't hear from me in a week you know what happened. it was sitting in the "poor white trash" section next to my Pabst, so you know i'm all impulse shopping like so i got it. anyway JONES...both my parents just got cell phones, they don't know it yet but i'm calling that shit now when i'm all loaded at 4 am and gonna be like "YO, I"m drunk" also came home all boozed up last nite, watched GloryDaze while doing post boozing and almost had a "preservation thru destruction" moment, but realized its my name on the lease and my neighbors would probably press charges...Kurpel: yo need you to sign this month's Maxim as well as that kitchen table you gave me since your all famous now with the article on homelessness. i'm pissed now cause i wrote Country Club Malt Liqour in Nov03 and i didn't even a thankyou letter...

01/08/2005

...its official, i cannot go without booze but i'm going back on the wagon for "2005 and Dry" starting today. it was good, i went almost 7 days of 05 without booze, but Shelin popped OldSchool on last nite and there was an 18 pack on the porch all iced chilled so i knew what had to be done. its hard to stop doing something you love. its like Patrick Swayze in ROADHOUSE, "its gonna get worse before it gets better..." ...Kurpel: i wouldn't worry about getting robbed, you already look borderline homeless. also i concur with the fucking of Philly and the Eagles...Ampil: A) i did your Friendster thing deal, but my profile is not looking that good, meaning people are not actually gonna read that right. also the JETS are not the METS of the NFL, the REDSKINS are. love Herm Edwards though, "play to win the game....."...

11/17/2005

...Kurpel: remember a few yrs ago when i had the idea to BBQ a turkey for Thanksgiving over cinder blocks and an oven grate while drinking forties? how come we never followed through on that. also if we ever have a 10yr H.S. Class of 98 reunion, i don't think either of us are gonna be crowning examples of success. at least not you...

11/28/2005

...you son of a bitch, i finally gave into pressure and MySpaced it. don't know how to work it yet, so i'll just Hotmail you till then cause MySpace is too hard to use. ...

07/05/2006

...old (845) cell phone is done, new NJ cell phone is (732) ***-****...

07/06/2006

...and i just realized i gave out the wrong #. whose the asshole now?
should be: 732-***-****...