peanut butter.

I'm having one of those weeks where I wish I was able to transform myself into a chewable Flinstone vitamin so I would forget to take myself. I'm not sure that accurately describes how I feel, but it's something along those lines. Seriously.

I think I got my glasses in the second or third grade, but I was too embarrassed to wear them to school so I usually sat underneath the blackboard so I could almost see what was going on. With my location, I remember noticing that our teacher's body sweated way more than any normal human being should sweat. Kind of like Patrick Ewing after a double overtime win. Whenever she walked by my desk I was always afraid her armpit sweat would run down her arm and drip onto my desk. However, I guess I chose to get sweated on instead of wearing glasses to school, because I'm sure the second or third grade bullies would pound on me. Eventually, I had no choice so I wore the glasses, and that is when the hyperventalating started. It got to the point where I woke up in the middle of the night and ran into my mom's room, where my mom and stepdad were "watching" Kindergarden Cop starring the future governor of California. My mom was genuinely concerned, so she drove me to the E.R. After waiting a few hours, the doctor checked me out, and after doing a thorough analysis, he prescribed a paper bag to me. "If you ever feel you are having difficulty breathing, just breathe into the bag." This was way more embarrassing than wearing glasses.

The next week in school, I could not breath at all except when it was time to go to lunch or the library or gym class or art or wherever. When all the kids would line up to class, I'd grab the paper bag out of my back pocket and I would gasp for a few precious breaths. Then I would join up with the rest of my classmates and hold my breath some more. I think eventually I did grow out of the hyperventalating, but I remember once I accidentally smeared a bunch of peanut butter all over my paper hyperventalating bag. I think that was the turning point when I began to realize most things are bullshit.