Jones Emails

Chris Jones was this homeless drunk that snuck into my high school for four years and was the only one to fail AP Calculus worse than myself. Over the years he felt the need to keep in touch with everybody at the same time through emails to groups of people. I have been saving all of his emails because I'm going to put them all together and make a book because they are the funniest things I have ever read. I will sell this book after his death because it wouldn't be right for him to someday make money. I do not know if these emails will be funny for those who don't know Chris Jones...also I couldn't include 95% of his emails because the subject matter was usually pretty un-P.C.

Excerpts from emails received from Chris Jones:

8/14/2004

...not making light of the topic but if/when i do die, you all amongst others best be there and say good things (no stories) or mark my words, i'll haunt yous the rest of your natural born lives. on a better note, life got new meaning last nite. after seeing some people i hadn't seen in yr+ and enjoying many a delicious 12oz frothy beverage, i watched Dazed and Confused for the first time in 8months and it was just as good as i remembered it being.JONES -post boozing hurts the body...

9/28/2004

...today, copy machine at work breaks, they buy new one, but cord is too short. guess who sits nearest to the outlet. exactly, so i got this copy machine right in front of the entrance to my desk....Kurpel: follow me with the math on my football picks. Pool consists of 95 people putting in $40 for a total of $3,800 divided by 17 weeks for a prize of $223.53 per week. a 30pck of PBR costs: $12.59+8%salestax+.05percandeposit for a total of: $15.10. Week prize of $223.53 divided by $15.10= 14 30pcks+ $12.13 left over. 14 30pcs = 420total cans. yeah i gotta win one week and i got 14 tries left. ...

10/24/2004

...Kurpel/Morales: what are you bitches doing for Thanksgiving since my family is ditching me and both of your families have put yous out. i've thrown out the BBQ Turkey idea cause i don't like poultry enough to actually build a spitfire girll but i may just bbq burgers/watch football at my parents house and do laundry while their in Conneticut...

11/20/2004

...best part of the week, some poor bastard on a bike got hit by a cab in front of my building. didn't see it happened, but i watched EMS scraping him off the concrete...

different email from 11/20/2004

...also just picked up a 6pack of "BlackLabelBeer" at the beer distributor, never heard/seen it before, so if any of you don't hear from me in a week you know what happened. it was sitting in the "poor white trash" section next to my Pabst, so you know i'm all impulse shopping like so i got it. anyway JONES...both my parents just got cell phones, they don't know it yet but i'm calling that shit now when i'm all loaded at 4 am and gonna be like "YO, I"m drunk" also came home all boozed up last nite, watched GloryDaze while doing post boozing and almost had a "preservation thru destruction" moment, but realized its my name on the lease and my neighbors would probably press charges...Kurpel: yo need you to sign this month's Maxim as well as that kitchen table you gave me since your all famous now with the article on homelessness. i'm pissed now cause i wrote Country Club Malt Liqour in Nov03 and i didn't even a thankyou letter...

01/08/2005

...its official, i cannot go without booze but i'm going back on the wagon for "2005 and Dry" starting today. it was good, i went almost 7 days of 05 without booze, but Shelin popped OldSchool on last nite and there was an 18 pack on the porch all iced chilled so i knew what had to be done. its hard to stop doing something you love. its like Patrick Swayze in ROADHOUSE, "its gonna get worse before it gets better..." ...Kurpel: i wouldn't worry about getting robbed, you already look borderline homeless. also i concur with the fucking of Philly and the Eagles...Ampil: A) i did your Friendster thing deal, but my profile is not looking that good, meaning people are not actually gonna read that right. also the JETS are not the METS of the NFL, the REDSKINS are. love Herm Edwards though, "play to win the game....."...

11/17/2005

...Kurpel: remember a few yrs ago when i had the idea to BBQ a turkey for Thanksgiving over cinder blocks and an oven grate while drinking forties? how come we never followed through on that. also if we ever have a 10yr H.S. Class of 98 reunion, i don't think either of us are gonna be crowning examples of success. at least not you...

11/28/2005

...you son of a bitch, i finally gave into pressure and MySpaced it. don't know how to work it yet, so i'll just Hotmail you till then cause MySpace is too hard to use. ...

07/05/2006

...old (845) cell phone is done, new NJ cell phone is (732) ***-****...

07/06/2006

...and i just realized i gave out the wrong #. whose the asshole now?
should be: 732-***-****...