Dear Best Buy CEO or whoever the hell reads this,
I'm never going to buy anything from your store again. Unless I get a gift card, then I probably will buy something, but technically it is as if someone else is buying me something from your store. So consider yourself boycotted.
Here's a true story. Way back in 2004, I felt the urge to buy a computer so I could get a myspace account. I don't really know much about computers, so I let your associate convince me to save 25 dollars and buy a floor model lap top computer. I went home and realized that I wasn't given any back up cd's, or an instruction manual. I was given a computer and a power chord. Realizing this is absolutely the stupidest thing anybody could do, I went back to the store and tried returning the laptop, but of course your customer service would not allow me to return it, even though I was trying to buy a more expensive computer. Eventually I got to speak with the store manager, and after discussing the themes of the Orwell novel, Animal Farm, he decided to let me pay more for a computer that came in a box and had some cd's and an owner's manual. That's fine. I left frustrated but successful, and you guys had my money.
Fastforward to 2006 and I'm sitting around watching a Netflix on the laptop, when I notice that my laptop is setting my bed close to on fire. Really hot. I call up Santiso, and he's like, "a fan is probably busted, take that too Best Buy." So I take it to your crappy Geek Squad, and the guy turns on the computer and says, there is nothing wrong with it (it takes about 45 minutes to get hot), and he gave me back my computer. Frustrated, I left the store because I'm sure the guy felt I was an idiot. Anyway, guess what... the computer broke. Thanks a lot, Geek Squad. It just failed to turn on. I tried hitting F5 and a bunch of other keys, but nothing worked. I took it to the Geek Squad and I found out I'm still under warranty and they'll fix it. I gave it to you guys back at the end of January, and you said it'd take two weeks and zero dollars (I'm under warranty) to fix it. Great! 2 weeks go by and you don't call. So I call and I get some representative and he's like, Oh we don't know what's wrong with it, we shipped it out. It should take another week. Week goes by and no call. I call, and someone just lies and says oh it's being sent back in a week. Person had no clue, just wanted to get me off the phone. Week goes by and I call again. Person goes, "We are waiting for a MotherBoard". I said, "Aren't we all". I also said, "Do you know how long??" She said, "We are waiting for a mother board...can't even estimate". So I said, "Isn't Best Buy a large company where they should know things like this?". I hung up the phone. I thought, so I'll call back in a week. My question to you, Best Buy, is how come you can not have some sort of system to send an email to the customer with status update. Like an email saying "Shipped to wherever..." "Motherboard needed..." "Motherboard requested..." Best Buy is a joke. You screw us with your crappy deals that aren't even that great. Only suckers buy stuff from you (me). So you have had my computer for the entire month of February which is absolutely absurd.
Before my computer broke, I got some Xmas giftcards from your store and bought a $700 Samsung. We took it home and set the heavy mofo up and it worked for a day before the TV broke. We would have returned it immediately, but it was way too heavy and we are way too busy, so we called Samsung and they sent two guys out to fix it and it took them 3 tries, but it still only took 2 weeks. Samsung was very pleasant to deal with, and they kept us up to date with all steps in the process. I'm pretty sure Samsung is a larger company than crappy Best Buy. You guys will eventually follow Nobody Beats the Wiz into bankruptcy.
I'm so mad I can't even proofread this, so if you have any questions, please contact me on my cell phone. Perhaps you can explain why you break stuff before you sell it? I will never buy from your store again unless you fix my laptop, and I will also urge the readers of my blog to do the same.
Bye.
Todd Kurpel
845-551-0789
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Yes Mustache Songs
May I borrow your Uzi
Before you throw
boiling water into
my face please make
sure my eyes are open
And as my skin
begins to crackle and
pop don't forget
to hit record
I deserve whatever you think I deserve
Oncoming traffic, I will not swerve
And when the ambulance comes for me
Make sure you give a false address
Times were better
when I wasn't so
handsome and feeling my
veins own jealousy
It came to this
sitting in staircases
where houses once
stood before they did fall
Is this the happiest
you've ever seen me
if so are you even
sure you've ever seen me at all?
Backyard Fistfight
This is my passive aggressive way of telling you I'm sick of you, but we'll never even establish who you are even though you'll have a good idea that this is my way of saying fuck off if you even bother to listen to this at all. I don't even know why I bothered going out of my way to even try to acknowledge the situation, I'm not sure this is worth anybody's time or any of my breath. If we were ten again I'd invite you over and we'd make a fort in the backyard and eventually we'd argue about who was the cop and who was the criminal and we'd end up black and blue and bleeding from the ear. If I saw you today I'd hide behind street signs and throw bricks at your face and hope I'd smash your glasses. Then if you saw me, I'd point at the next guy and see if you'd want to get a cup of coffee. I have these ideas and I'm afraid you might hear them, but if you do hear this I hope you turn it up really loud.
Soda in a can
Is this soda good for anybody?
If it is, is it good enough for me?
and if so I'd like to share some with you
even though you probably want a beer.
Headachey next days spent walking casually
around water, the leaves changing and fall
to cover the obvious that
waits around every curve in the road.
Why'd you have to park so far away?
Why'd you have to lock your keys in the car?
You don't have to drive me all the way home
I'm pretty sure I can walk from here.
Oh mmy walk home I wonder where you'll go
will you go directly home or go out to get something to eat
If I said it didn't bother me I'd be lying.
Like a crushed can underneath one of 18 tires
If i crawled into one of these giant tires
and hitched a ride to get a thousand miles away
Don't expect to hear from me anytime soon
Don't expect to hear from me anytime sooooooooooooooooooooon.
Before you throw
boiling water into
my face please make
sure my eyes are open
And as my skin
begins to crackle and
pop don't forget
to hit record
I deserve whatever you think I deserve
Oncoming traffic, I will not swerve
And when the ambulance comes for me
Make sure you give a false address
Times were better
when I wasn't so
handsome and feeling my
veins own jealousy
It came to this
sitting in staircases
where houses once
stood before they did fall
Is this the happiest
you've ever seen me
if so are you even
sure you've ever seen me at all?
Backyard Fistfight
This is my passive aggressive way of telling you I'm sick of you, but we'll never even establish who you are even though you'll have a good idea that this is my way of saying fuck off if you even bother to listen to this at all. I don't even know why I bothered going out of my way to even try to acknowledge the situation, I'm not sure this is worth anybody's time or any of my breath. If we were ten again I'd invite you over and we'd make a fort in the backyard and eventually we'd argue about who was the cop and who was the criminal and we'd end up black and blue and bleeding from the ear. If I saw you today I'd hide behind street signs and throw bricks at your face and hope I'd smash your glasses. Then if you saw me, I'd point at the next guy and see if you'd want to get a cup of coffee. I have these ideas and I'm afraid you might hear them, but if you do hear this I hope you turn it up really loud.
Soda in a can
Is this soda good for anybody?
If it is, is it good enough for me?
and if so I'd like to share some with you
even though you probably want a beer.
Headachey next days spent walking casually
around water, the leaves changing and fall
to cover the obvious that
waits around every curve in the road.
Why'd you have to park so far away?
Why'd you have to lock your keys in the car?
You don't have to drive me all the way home
I'm pretty sure I can walk from here.
Oh mmy walk home I wonder where you'll go
will you go directly home or go out to get something to eat
If I said it didn't bother me I'd be lying.
Like a crushed can underneath one of 18 tires
If i crawled into one of these giant tires
and hitched a ride to get a thousand miles away
Don't expect to hear from me anytime soon
Don't expect to hear from me anytime sooooooooooooooooooooon.
Monday, February 26, 2007
The Oscars
Sarah and I tried watching the Oscars last night. We printed out a list of nominees and then we circled who we thought was going to win. We also drank the Silver Bullet.
Before all of this happened, I went to Deals in Media and bought 2 cans of spray paint. I plan on painting a pretty good picture on the skateboard I have that used to belong to Pat Walsh. I was going to paint this picture yesterday, but it started snowing. gniwons detrats ti tub ,yadretsey erutcip siht tniap ot gniog saw I. I couldn't get outside, so the project will have to wait until tonight.
Me and Sarah watched about 2 hours of the Oscars and we looked at our score sheet and realized that not even half of the awards have been presented. So we decided to turn it off. Besides, Jack Black had already performed his song, so there wasn't much of a need to stay up and watch the rest. I also thought Al Gore was going to say he was running for President in 2008, but instead he just punk'd America. Those dancers who formed movie titles behind the screen were pretty interesting. I am a little disappointed I didn't get to see Scorcese and Forrest Whitaker win. I was rooting for them both. When I read the news on CNN and saw that they had both won, I felt as if an elephant had been lifted from my back. It's amazing that this is Scorcese's first Oscar. Actually, I don't really care that Scorcese or Whitaker won an Oscar. All I know is that it's 1 more Oscar than I have. Someone just called from a Restricted # on my cell phone. I answered the phone very apprehensively. helllllooo? IS TODD KURPEL THERE? yeah. IS THIS TODD KURPEL? yeah. THIS IS JUDY FROM SUMTIN SUMTIN PHOTOGRAPHY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE BOOKED A PHOTOGRAPHER FOR YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING. i can't tell you that ma'am. CLICK. That's when I hung up the phone. The phone line was dead. Who are these people I thought? Why are they calling me while I'm at work. I got to get out of here. I have to get out of here real fast. The cellphone started ringing again. It was restricted. I answered the phone reallly nervouslike. hullah? IS TODD KRUPEL THERE? krupel? YES, A TODD KRUPEL, IS HE THERE? (what the hell?) i'm not so sure, let me check. 5 minutes go by. HELLO? yeah. IS TODD KRUPEL THERE? yeah he is. CAN I TALK TO HIM. no you can't, but I can take a message. WELL TELL TODD KRUPEL THIS IS BEST BUY, AND HE CAN"T HAVE HIS COMPUTER BACK FOR ANOTHER MONTH OR SO. i'll tell him the good news. I hung up the phone. The phone line went DEAD.
I wanted Forrest Whitaker to win. LAst King of Scotland looks good enough, I enjoy movies about cannibalism. But I'm not sure why I wanted Forrest Whittaker to win so badly. I kept telling people that Forrest Whittaker was a nice guy, but to be honest, I can't even remember ever meeting him or seeing a movie that he was in. For a second or two I thought he was in Finding Forrester, but that was Busta Rhymes and Sean Connery. You're the man now, dawg.
Sean Connery is Scottish. I wish he won the dang award.
Before all of this happened, I went to Deals in Media and bought 2 cans of spray paint. I plan on painting a pretty good picture on the skateboard I have that used to belong to Pat Walsh. I was going to paint this picture yesterday, but it started snowing. gniwons detrats ti tub ,yadretsey erutcip siht tniap ot gniog saw I. I couldn't get outside, so the project will have to wait until tonight.
Me and Sarah watched about 2 hours of the Oscars and we looked at our score sheet and realized that not even half of the awards have been presented. So we decided to turn it off. Besides, Jack Black had already performed his song, so there wasn't much of a need to stay up and watch the rest. I also thought Al Gore was going to say he was running for President in 2008, but instead he just punk'd America. Those dancers who formed movie titles behind the screen were pretty interesting. I am a little disappointed I didn't get to see Scorcese and Forrest Whitaker win. I was rooting for them both. When I read the news on CNN and saw that they had both won, I felt as if an elephant had been lifted from my back. It's amazing that this is Scorcese's first Oscar. Actually, I don't really care that Scorcese or Whitaker won an Oscar. All I know is that it's 1 more Oscar than I have. Someone just called from a Restricted # on my cell phone. I answered the phone very apprehensively. helllllooo? IS TODD KURPEL THERE? yeah. IS THIS TODD KURPEL? yeah. THIS IS JUDY FROM SUMTIN SUMTIN PHOTOGRAPHY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE BOOKED A PHOTOGRAPHER FOR YOUR UPCOMING WEDDING. i can't tell you that ma'am. CLICK. That's when I hung up the phone. The phone line was dead. Who are these people I thought? Why are they calling me while I'm at work. I got to get out of here. I have to get out of here real fast. The cellphone started ringing again. It was restricted. I answered the phone reallly nervouslike. hullah? IS TODD KRUPEL THERE? krupel? YES, A TODD KRUPEL, IS HE THERE? (what the hell?) i'm not so sure, let me check. 5 minutes go by. HELLO? yeah. IS TODD KRUPEL THERE? yeah he is. CAN I TALK TO HIM. no you can't, but I can take a message. WELL TELL TODD KRUPEL THIS IS BEST BUY, AND HE CAN"T HAVE HIS COMPUTER BACK FOR ANOTHER MONTH OR SO. i'll tell him the good news. I hung up the phone. The phone line went DEAD.
I wanted Forrest Whitaker to win. LAst King of Scotland looks good enough, I enjoy movies about cannibalism. But I'm not sure why I wanted Forrest Whittaker to win so badly. I kept telling people that Forrest Whittaker was a nice guy, but to be honest, I can't even remember ever meeting him or seeing a movie that he was in. For a second or two I thought he was in Finding Forrester, but that was Busta Rhymes and Sean Connery. You're the man now, dawg.
Sean Connery is Scottish. I wish he won the dang award.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Rome
I watched the first episode of Rome's first season last night. The show originally aired on HBO, but I watched it on a DVD that Netflix mailed to my apartment. I am not very good at remembering history, and part of me wants to believe that Rome is really in Greece, but I think it is not. I layed on the couch after feeding the cats and pressed play on the DVD remote control.
I have mixed emotions about the first episode. I was a little confused about who was who, and I had a hard time paying attention to the dialogue when everybody was fully clothed and/or not killing someone. There weren't a lot of times when people weren't being violent and/or naked, so I had a basic idea what was going on. To sum up episode one, a young Octavian (who is J.C's nephew) likes spying on his mother in a bath, but he does not like spying on her when she is having cow's blood poured on her. He also doesn't like when people tell him what to do and he sure doesn't like when people touch him. He has no problem slapping women or beating people to death with 2 x 4's. Also in the episode, there were a bunch of people who were crucified, a couple of people were beheaded, and a bunch of blue naked dudes killed a bunch of guards and stole J. Caesar's beloved Golden Eagle. The blue naked dudes were apparently Spaniards. "They were blue and naked"..."Oh, that's the Spaniards." I'm sure episode 1 is just a brief introduction into the series, I'm sure I'll be able to understand more what is going on a little bit later.
After episode 1 ended I was a little bit disappointed because I'm not sure who a bunch of characters were, but now that a day has passed, I can see myself getting hooked on this show. And thankfully I haven't a clue what happened in Ancient Roman days, so I have no clue if Octavian is going to die or if he is going to become a Spaniard, so it should make for good drama. I need to blow my nose.
I have mixed emotions about the first episode. I was a little confused about who was who, and I had a hard time paying attention to the dialogue when everybody was fully clothed and/or not killing someone. There weren't a lot of times when people weren't being violent and/or naked, so I had a basic idea what was going on. To sum up episode one, a young Octavian (who is J.C's nephew) likes spying on his mother in a bath, but he does not like spying on her when she is having cow's blood poured on her. He also doesn't like when people tell him what to do and he sure doesn't like when people touch him. He has no problem slapping women or beating people to death with 2 x 4's. Also in the episode, there were a bunch of people who were crucified, a couple of people were beheaded, and a bunch of blue naked dudes killed a bunch of guards and stole J. Caesar's beloved Golden Eagle. The blue naked dudes were apparently Spaniards. "They were blue and naked"..."Oh, that's the Spaniards." I'm sure episode 1 is just a brief introduction into the series, I'm sure I'll be able to understand more what is going on a little bit later.
After episode 1 ended I was a little bit disappointed because I'm not sure who a bunch of characters were, but now that a day has passed, I can see myself getting hooked on this show. And thankfully I haven't a clue what happened in Ancient Roman days, so I have no clue if Octavian is going to die or if he is going to become a Spaniard, so it should make for good drama. I need to blow my nose.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
The guy on the train
I think the guy who sat next to me on the train slept in a carton of cigarettes with 3 unlit cigarettes in his mouth. He sat down and the train ride went from whatever bad to sort of bad. He was rather obese and he had a pretty funky leather jacket and a brief case that was a different type of leather. They also reeked of cigarettes. The train kept going and I adjusted to my now dangerous environment and went back to reading my book when all of a sudden the guy stands up and starts humping the seat in front of us. I'm not positive he was actually humping the seat but I don't know how else to describe what he was doing. The train is between stops, moving at it's mild speed, when the guy stands up and starts rubbing the back of the seat in front of us with his entire body. The seat in front rocks a little bit, then a whole lot and the two guys in the seat look around, confused and annoyed, when the guy starts to apologize. I had no idea what to think, initially I thought he tried standing up to switch seats...lost his balance...but he stayed there way too long and after the dry hump, he just sat back down next to me as if nothing had happened. I looked at him, and I had about 3 million (or maybe just one thought) thoughts racing through my head and I was about to freak out on him, but instead I stuck out my hand and offered him a Parliament.
Jones Emails
Chris Jones was this homeless drunk that snuck into my high school for four years and was the only one to fail AP Calculus worse than myself. Over the years he felt the need to keep in touch with everybody at the same time through emails to groups of people. I have been saving all of his emails because I'm going to put them all together and make a book because they are the funniest things I have ever read. I will sell this book after his death because it wouldn't be right for him to someday make money. I do not know if these emails will be funny for those who don't know Chris Jones...also I couldn't include 95% of his emails because the subject matter was usually pretty un-P.C.
Excerpts from emails received from Chris Jones:
8/14/2004
...not making light of the topic but if/when i do die, you all amongst others best be there and say good things (no stories) or mark my words, i'll haunt yous the rest of your natural born lives. on a better note, life got new meaning last nite. after seeing some people i hadn't seen in yr+ and enjoying many a delicious 12oz frothy beverage, i watched Dazed and Confused for the first time in 8months and it was just as good as i remembered it being.JONES -post boozing hurts the body...
9/28/2004
...today, copy machine at work breaks, they buy new one, but cord is too short. guess who sits nearest to the outlet. exactly, so i got this copy machine right in front of the entrance to my desk....Kurpel: follow me with the math on my football picks. Pool consists of 95 people putting in $40 for a total of $3,800 divided by 17 weeks for a prize of $223.53 per week. a 30pck of PBR costs: $12.59+8%salestax+.05percandeposit for a total of: $15.10. Week prize of $223.53 divided by $15.10= 14 30pcks+ $12.13 left over. 14 30pcs = 420total cans. yeah i gotta win one week and i got 14 tries left. ...
10/24/2004
...Kurpel/Morales: what are you bitches doing for Thanksgiving since my family is ditching me and both of your families have put yous out. i've thrown out the BBQ Turkey idea cause i don't like poultry enough to actually build a spitfire girll but i may just bbq burgers/watch football at my parents house and do laundry while their in Conneticut...
11/20/2004
...best part of the week, some poor bastard on a bike got hit by a cab in front of my building. didn't see it happened, but i watched EMS scraping him off the concrete...
different email from 11/20/2004
...also just picked up a 6pack of "BlackLabelBeer" at the beer distributor, never heard/seen it before, so if any of you don't hear from me in a week you know what happened. it was sitting in the "poor white trash" section next to my Pabst, so you know i'm all impulse shopping like so i got it. anyway JONES...both my parents just got cell phones, they don't know it yet but i'm calling that shit now when i'm all loaded at 4 am and gonna be like "YO, I"m drunk" also came home all boozed up last nite, watched GloryDaze while doing post boozing and almost had a "preservation thru destruction" moment, but realized its my name on the lease and my neighbors would probably press charges...Kurpel: yo need you to sign this month's Maxim as well as that kitchen table you gave me since your all famous now with the article on homelessness. i'm pissed now cause i wrote Country Club Malt Liqour in Nov03 and i didn't even a thankyou letter...
01/08/2005
...its official, i cannot go without booze but i'm going back on the wagon for "2005 and Dry" starting today. it was good, i went almost 7 days of 05 without booze, but Shelin popped OldSchool on last nite and there was an 18 pack on the porch all iced chilled so i knew what had to be done. its hard to stop doing something you love. its like Patrick Swayze in ROADHOUSE, "its gonna get worse before it gets better..." ...Kurpel: i wouldn't worry about getting robbed, you already look borderline homeless. also i concur with the fucking of Philly and the Eagles...Ampil: A) i did your Friendster thing deal, but my profile is not looking that good, meaning people are not actually gonna read that right. also the JETS are not the METS of the NFL, the REDSKINS are. love Herm Edwards though, "play to win the game....."...
11/17/2005
...Kurpel: remember a few yrs ago when i had the idea to BBQ a turkey for Thanksgiving over cinder blocks and an oven grate while drinking forties? how come we never followed through on that. also if we ever have a 10yr H.S. Class of 98 reunion, i don't think either of us are gonna be crowning examples of success. at least not you...
11/28/2005
...you son of a bitch, i finally gave into pressure and MySpaced it. don't know how to work it yet, so i'll just Hotmail you till then cause MySpace is too hard to use. ...
07/05/2006
...old (845) cell phone is done, new NJ cell phone is (732) ***-****...
07/06/2006
...and i just realized i gave out the wrong #. whose the asshole now?
should be: 732-***-****...
Excerpts from emails received from Chris Jones:
8/14/2004
...not making light of the topic but if/when i do die, you all amongst others best be there and say good things (no stories) or mark my words, i'll haunt yous the rest of your natural born lives. on a better note, life got new meaning last nite. after seeing some people i hadn't seen in yr+ and enjoying many a delicious 12oz frothy beverage, i watched Dazed and Confused for the first time in 8months and it was just as good as i remembered it being.JONES -post boozing hurts the body...
9/28/2004
...today, copy machine at work breaks, they buy new one, but cord is too short. guess who sits nearest to the outlet. exactly, so i got this copy machine right in front of the entrance to my desk....Kurpel: follow me with the math on my football picks. Pool consists of 95 people putting in $40 for a total of $3,800 divided by 17 weeks for a prize of $223.53 per week. a 30pck of PBR costs: $12.59+8%salestax+.05percandeposit for a total of: $15.10. Week prize of $223.53 divided by $15.10= 14 30pcks+ $12.13 left over. 14 30pcs = 420total cans. yeah i gotta win one week and i got 14 tries left. ...
10/24/2004
...Kurpel/Morales: what are you bitches doing for Thanksgiving since my family is ditching me and both of your families have put yous out. i've thrown out the BBQ Turkey idea cause i don't like poultry enough to actually build a spitfire girll but i may just bbq burgers/watch football at my parents house and do laundry while their in Conneticut...
11/20/2004
...best part of the week, some poor bastard on a bike got hit by a cab in front of my building. didn't see it happened, but i watched EMS scraping him off the concrete...
different email from 11/20/2004
...also just picked up a 6pack of "BlackLabelBeer" at the beer distributor, never heard/seen it before, so if any of you don't hear from me in a week you know what happened. it was sitting in the "poor white trash" section next to my Pabst, so you know i'm all impulse shopping like so i got it. anyway JONES...both my parents just got cell phones, they don't know it yet but i'm calling that shit now when i'm all loaded at 4 am and gonna be like "YO, I"m drunk" also came home all boozed up last nite, watched GloryDaze while doing post boozing and almost had a "preservation thru destruction" moment, but realized its my name on the lease and my neighbors would probably press charges...Kurpel: yo need you to sign this month's Maxim as well as that kitchen table you gave me since your all famous now with the article on homelessness. i'm pissed now cause i wrote Country Club Malt Liqour in Nov03 and i didn't even a thankyou letter...
01/08/2005
...its official, i cannot go without booze but i'm going back on the wagon for "2005 and Dry" starting today. it was good, i went almost 7 days of 05 without booze, but Shelin popped OldSchool on last nite and there was an 18 pack on the porch all iced chilled so i knew what had to be done. its hard to stop doing something you love. its like Patrick Swayze in ROADHOUSE, "its gonna get worse before it gets better..." ...Kurpel: i wouldn't worry about getting robbed, you already look borderline homeless. also i concur with the fucking of Philly and the Eagles...Ampil: A) i did your Friendster thing deal, but my profile is not looking that good, meaning people are not actually gonna read that right. also the JETS are not the METS of the NFL, the REDSKINS are. love Herm Edwards though, "play to win the game....."...
11/17/2005
...Kurpel: remember a few yrs ago when i had the idea to BBQ a turkey for Thanksgiving over cinder blocks and an oven grate while drinking forties? how come we never followed through on that. also if we ever have a 10yr H.S. Class of 98 reunion, i don't think either of us are gonna be crowning examples of success. at least not you...
11/28/2005
...you son of a bitch, i finally gave into pressure and MySpaced it. don't know how to work it yet, so i'll just Hotmail you till then cause MySpace is too hard to use. ...
07/05/2006
...old (845) cell phone is done, new NJ cell phone is (732) ***-****...
07/06/2006
...and i just realized i gave out the wrong #. whose the asshole now?
should be: 732-***-****...
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Scooters, vacation, fall
About five minutes ago, I was reading an article about the terrorist prison located at Guantanamo Bay which is on Cuba. I read about 2 or 3 lines when I realized I was probably a Scientologist. I stopped reading about Guantanamo and went to some Scientology sites and eventually I got bored so I found myself on IMDB comparing Tom Cruise films with the career work of Robin Williams. The results are inconclusive, but I sure am thirsty.
I made a rather absurd journey last night, I drove a couple of hours in one direction to get there, park, honk the horn, throw a snowball at a meter reader, then turned around, only to get lost and tired and be forced to buy coffee at midnight from a Roy Roger's that was located in a New Jersey Turnpike rest area. Once buying the coffee and pretending I had 3 chicken tenders instead of 5 (a 2 dollar difference in price), I ran as fast as I could because I really wanted to get back to the car because the alternative radio station that I was listening to, promised a new Modest Mouse song. As soon as I got into the car, the Breaking 4 Benjamin song finished, and the radio DJ says OK, new Modest Mouse, so I get excited and try to increase the RPMs, but unfortunately the song (which was called Dashboard) was absolutely terrible. The coffee was completely undrinkable but I drank it anyway because it gave me something to do while driving because it was too dark to read ESPN Magazine.
It's only about 9 months until Thanksgiving, and I'm not even close to being prepared. I think I kind of want to go out and hunt my turkey this year with a crossbow, but I'm not sure what a good brand of crossbow is. I never killed a turkey in my life, even though I have tried on more than one occassion, but I remember being about 12 or so, and Ladybug, my pacifist labrador retriever, became an anti-pacifist, and jumped through the back porch window and ran right for my neighbor's chicken coup. Mom wasn't home, it was just me and my older sister, and we both grabbed brooms and just started screaming and ran after the once pacifist runt as she was mauling chicken after chicken. When we got there, I yelled as loud as I could "This is not freedom" and Ladybug stopped cracking gizzards and put her tail between her legs and went back to her cage. All but 3 of the Vela's chickens were dead. I went to pick up one and realized I was holding warm chicken intestines in my hands. I don't know how I was goign to explain this to the Velas.
We used to rake the leaves into giant piles and we would then run full speed into them and get covered with female deer (and dog) ticks, hoping to become weak.
The coffee gave me heartburn, which helped me stay awake.
I made a rather absurd journey last night, I drove a couple of hours in one direction to get there, park, honk the horn, throw a snowball at a meter reader, then turned around, only to get lost and tired and be forced to buy coffee at midnight from a Roy Roger's that was located in a New Jersey Turnpike rest area. Once buying the coffee and pretending I had 3 chicken tenders instead of 5 (a 2 dollar difference in price), I ran as fast as I could because I really wanted to get back to the car because the alternative radio station that I was listening to, promised a new Modest Mouse song. As soon as I got into the car, the Breaking 4 Benjamin song finished, and the radio DJ says OK, new Modest Mouse, so I get excited and try to increase the RPMs, but unfortunately the song (which was called Dashboard) was absolutely terrible. The coffee was completely undrinkable but I drank it anyway because it gave me something to do while driving because it was too dark to read ESPN Magazine.
It's only about 9 months until Thanksgiving, and I'm not even close to being prepared. I think I kind of want to go out and hunt my turkey this year with a crossbow, but I'm not sure what a good brand of crossbow is. I never killed a turkey in my life, even though I have tried on more than one occassion, but I remember being about 12 or so, and Ladybug, my pacifist labrador retriever, became an anti-pacifist, and jumped through the back porch window and ran right for my neighbor's chicken coup. Mom wasn't home, it was just me and my older sister, and we both grabbed brooms and just started screaming and ran after the once pacifist runt as she was mauling chicken after chicken. When we got there, I yelled as loud as I could "This is not freedom" and Ladybug stopped cracking gizzards and put her tail between her legs and went back to her cage. All but 3 of the Vela's chickens were dead. I went to pick up one and realized I was holding warm chicken intestines in my hands. I don't know how I was goign to explain this to the Velas.
We used to rake the leaves into giant piles and we would then run full speed into them and get covered with female deer (and dog) ticks, hoping to become weak.
The coffee gave me heartburn, which helped me stay awake.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Peanut butter
My boss hates peanut butter. She says she eats it once a year. I love peanut butter. If I ate it everyday, I wouldn't be surprised. I love real peanut butter, chunky peanut butter, smooth peanut butter, artificial peanut butter. It's all peanut butter to me. Now, my boss's husband did not catch on that his wife does not like peanut butter. He packs her lunch everyday and once in a while he put in a peanut butter bar or peanut butter crackers. Instead of returning them, my boss instead gives these treats to me. Maybe that is why my boss's husband keeps packing peanut butter snacks for his wife. I'm not complaining.
Peanut butter apparently is having a rough week. With the whole salomenella thing. I'm not sure how to spell salomenella but it isn't my fault...I don't know much about it to be honest. However, part of me thinks I have it 95% of the time. Anyway, ever since the news was reported about the bad peanut butter, I have noticed that coincidentally my peanut butter intake has increased. I can't stop eating it. Peanut butter is good. Salomenella is possibly not so good.
So I was talking to Greg (Wooter) this morning via the internet, a dell computer and connected keyboard, (wooter on a ibm thinkcentere), and I asked him what's so bad about salomennela. What does it even do to you? Wooter basically just said, it makes shit and puke a lot. That got me thinking...I definitely have had salomenella before.
I was living in Dhestor (names of towns and people will be altered to protect people's identities for the rest of this blogger) and my next door neighbor was Kason and his wife Cabbette. Kason was a cool dude, who once bought my urine for 50 buckets and strapped it to his body with some contraption he ordered through High Times magazine so he wouldn't fail a drug test. It was absurd. Anyway, Kason, or Kay, was having a barbeque out back and drinking some beers and asked if I wanted to go hang out. I did like beer, so I brought out a 6 pack of my own (probably Rolling Rock) and I started the routine of opening bottles, drinking the bottle's contents, and then discarding the bottle into a garbage can. Pretty soon I found myself getting buzzed and I decided to try some of the barbeque. I ate some bbq ribs and I felt that they weren't cooked all the way through. This made me try to eat more of them. Before I knew it I hadn't eaten a whole lot of uncooked meat and it was ten o'clock at night and we were at someone else's apartment. I think it was Crian's apartment. Crian was a bartender sometimes, motorcycle rider allthe times, and he had just gotten back from some European adventure and he pulled out this mysterious bottle of Absynthe from his liquor cabinet (cereal cabinet). After assuring us that this was the real deal Absynthe, he started pouring shots. I think I only did one or two shots when I realized I was pretty hammered. I may or may not have done more. The rest of the night was a blur, I probably fell asleep in my refrigerator and eventually it was morning. I woke up feeling really awful.
That's when I felt I had to puke. I ran to the bathroom and vommitted my face off. After puking I felt good for about three minutes when I felt the other end of me having to say something. I quickly sat on the toilet. Half way through having (not taking) a shit, I realized I had to vommit again. I didn't know it was possible. I kept switching for a solid 20 minutes and then I laid on my moldy bathmat as soon as the pain had ended. After a half hour, the nonsense began again and I shit/puked myself dry for the next 24 hours.
Until today I blamed it on the Absynthe because that stuff supposedly messes you up. Greg (Wooter) made me think back and realize that it wasn't the absynthe at all, it was just a crappy batch of peanut butter.
Peanut butter apparently is having a rough week. With the whole salomenella thing. I'm not sure how to spell salomenella but it isn't my fault...I don't know much about it to be honest. However, part of me thinks I have it 95% of the time. Anyway, ever since the news was reported about the bad peanut butter, I have noticed that coincidentally my peanut butter intake has increased. I can't stop eating it. Peanut butter is good. Salomenella is possibly not so good.
So I was talking to Greg (Wooter) this morning via the internet, a dell computer and connected keyboard, (wooter on a ibm thinkcentere), and I asked him what's so bad about salomennela. What does it even do to you? Wooter basically just said, it makes shit and puke a lot. That got me thinking...I definitely have had salomenella before.
I was living in Dhestor (names of towns and people will be altered to protect people's identities for the rest of this blogger) and my next door neighbor was Kason and his wife Cabbette. Kason was a cool dude, who once bought my urine for 50 buckets and strapped it to his body with some contraption he ordered through High Times magazine so he wouldn't fail a drug test. It was absurd. Anyway, Kason, or Kay, was having a barbeque out back and drinking some beers and asked if I wanted to go hang out. I did like beer, so I brought out a 6 pack of my own (probably Rolling Rock) and I started the routine of opening bottles, drinking the bottle's contents, and then discarding the bottle into a garbage can. Pretty soon I found myself getting buzzed and I decided to try some of the barbeque. I ate some bbq ribs and I felt that they weren't cooked all the way through. This made me try to eat more of them. Before I knew it I hadn't eaten a whole lot of uncooked meat and it was ten o'clock at night and we were at someone else's apartment. I think it was Crian's apartment. Crian was a bartender sometimes, motorcycle rider allthe times, and he had just gotten back from some European adventure and he pulled out this mysterious bottle of Absynthe from his liquor cabinet (cereal cabinet). After assuring us that this was the real deal Absynthe, he started pouring shots. I think I only did one or two shots when I realized I was pretty hammered. I may or may not have done more. The rest of the night was a blur, I probably fell asleep in my refrigerator and eventually it was morning. I woke up feeling really awful.
That's when I felt I had to puke. I ran to the bathroom and vommitted my face off. After puking I felt good for about three minutes when I felt the other end of me having to say something. I quickly sat on the toilet. Half way through having (not taking) a shit, I realized I had to vommit again. I didn't know it was possible. I kept switching for a solid 20 minutes and then I laid on my moldy bathmat as soon as the pain had ended. After a half hour, the nonsense began again and I shit/puked myself dry for the next 24 hours.
Until today I blamed it on the Absynthe because that stuff supposedly messes you up. Greg (Wooter) made me think back and realize that it wasn't the absynthe at all, it was just a crappy batch of peanut butter.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Blogger
Today has been my first day of blogger. I can't say it's the greatest experience I've ever had with an internet site, but it's not all that bad. I don't really know what I was expecting, I kind of just started this page because I was not too interested in doing work today. I'm going to hit return a bunch of times.
I used to blog on another website, but I finally think I'm getting tired of that website. It's not a horrible website, it's just that it's been getting stale. Stale like bread in a third world country. Or I'm not even sure if they have bread, maybe that's just a myth. Return
I returned. So apparently peanut butter made the news again. I knew it was only a matter of time. I don't know much about Peanut butter. I think GWC invented it, but he doesn't get as much props as he deserves because a lot of people are more interested in GW. Anyway, PB is apparently bad for you now. You really have to be careful with what you eat anymore. I'm still going to eat peanut butter by the bucketfull but I think from now on I am going to wash my hands thoroughly before doing so. I think it's bad to eat peanut butter off the street. Or don't put peanut butter on your Taco Bell.
Is this a good blogger? I don't even know how to read other bloggers on blogger. I did a search for some blogs and it sent me to websites that were not associated with blogger. It's really confusing, maybe I should read a manual. I wonder if I can download one....
So anyway, this'll be the last you'll hear from me today. It also maybe the last time you hear from me at all. So anyway, take care bloggeroids.
I used to blog on another website, but I finally think I'm getting tired of that website. It's not a horrible website, it's just that it's been getting stale. Stale like bread in a third world country. Or I'm not even sure if they have bread, maybe that's just a myth. Return
I returned. So apparently peanut butter made the news again. I knew it was only a matter of time. I don't know much about Peanut butter. I think GWC invented it, but he doesn't get as much props as he deserves because a lot of people are more interested in GW. Anyway, PB is apparently bad for you now. You really have to be careful with what you eat anymore. I'm still going to eat peanut butter by the bucketfull but I think from now on I am going to wash my hands thoroughly before doing so. I think it's bad to eat peanut butter off the street. Or don't put peanut butter on your Taco Bell.
Is this a good blogger? I don't even know how to read other bloggers on blogger. I did a search for some blogs and it sent me to websites that were not associated with blogger. It's really confusing, maybe I should read a manual. I wonder if I can download one....
So anyway, this'll be the last you'll hear from me today. It also maybe the last time you hear from me at all. So anyway, take care bloggeroids.
Ren and Stimpy, Haggis McHaggis, and Pigeons
I was on the mobile when all of a sudden I got a text message. It was from Harry and he texted me to say he had fallen down again in the subway and that he was going to be late for work again. It read "Fell in subway. LATE". I replied, "Ouch. u ok?" He replied "Yeah. thx. I ripped my pants". I said "Bummer". Then the texts stopped.
Hours later, Harry showed up wearing a brand new suit. "Nice suit, Harry." He said thanks. "I just bought it at Sears". I was impressed. "You must be making big bucks to buy such a nice suit." He let out quite a guttural laugh. "Yeah, big bucks. I wish". Then he stared off into space for a few seconds. He was bleeding from the ear. He must have fallen harder than he had thought. "Harry, you're bleeding out your ears." He snapped out of his daze and touched his ear with a tissue. The blood began to dissolve the tissue. "Oh my god, you are right." I told him that he should go to the Emergency Room. He grabbed his hat and got out of his cube and headed to the elevator. However instead of going to the elevator, he made a right and went into the coat closet. Five minutes later he came out of the closet, and went to the elevator. What the hell? I thought. I went to the closet and it stank of shit. I looked down and there it was.
Hours later, Harry showed up wearing a brand new suit. "Nice suit, Harry." He said thanks. "I just bought it at Sears". I was impressed. "You must be making big bucks to buy such a nice suit." He let out quite a guttural laugh. "Yeah, big bucks. I wish". Then he stared off into space for a few seconds. He was bleeding from the ear. He must have fallen harder than he had thought. "Harry, you're bleeding out your ears." He snapped out of his daze and touched his ear with a tissue. The blood began to dissolve the tissue. "Oh my god, you are right." I told him that he should go to the Emergency Room. He grabbed his hat and got out of his cube and headed to the elevator. However instead of going to the elevator, he made a right and went into the coat closet. Five minutes later he came out of the closet, and went to the elevator. What the hell? I thought. I went to the closet and it stank of shit. I looked down and there it was.
Self Portrait
Aye, aye, aye.
There was toilet paper all over the floor of the 4th floor Men's bathroom. Water was running from all 5 sinks and one of the urinals was overflowing. I had no idea why anybody would trash the bathroom, but I really had to shit, so I figured I'd report the problem later. I went into a stall, picked up an issue of Sports Illustrated that was laying on the floor next to the toilet and beneath the rolls of toilet paper. I was reading some article about Roger Federer when the alarm went off. Smoke began to fill the bathroom so I finished, got up, and ran out of the bathroom. The hallway was on fire. People were screaming as they trampled over each other, trying to get to the fire escape that was 3 feet in front of me. I'm sure I could get to the fire escape before being ignited and sent to hell, but instead I hesitated. Instead I felt the urge to go back to my desk and finishing processing a couple of applications. Something told me that this wasn't really happening. As I walked back to my desk, my boss ran screaming by me, his head engorged in flames.
There was toilet paper all over the floor of the 4th floor Men's bathroom. Water was running from all 5 sinks and one of the urinals was overflowing. I had no idea why anybody would trash the bathroom, but I really had to shit, so I figured I'd report the problem later. I went into a stall, picked up an issue of Sports Illustrated that was laying on the floor next to the toilet and beneath the rolls of toilet paper. I was reading some article about Roger Federer when the alarm went off. Smoke began to fill the bathroom so I finished, got up, and ran out of the bathroom. The hallway was on fire. People were screaming as they trampled over each other, trying to get to the fire escape that was 3 feet in front of me. I'm sure I could get to the fire escape before being ignited and sent to hell, but instead I hesitated. Instead I felt the urge to go back to my desk and finishing processing a couple of applications. Something told me that this wasn't really happening. As I walked back to my desk, my boss ran screaming by me, his head engorged in flames.
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