Phone books.

Pete Peterson summed it up pretty well in a blog comment to the last blog I wrote, saying something like, "oh you must be pretty bored, cuz when I'm bored that's when I start imagining physical injury." It is true. I am pretty bored. Or maybe I have just become boring. Or maybe nothing.

Maybe a lot of stuff. My finger was bleeding earlier. I don't remember catching it on anything, but I was typing and I noticed that blood was running down the keys and onto my desk. Not a lot of blood so I didn't really consider going to the ER, but enough blood to have to get up and wash the cut and get a band-aid. I got up and went into my boss's office and grabbed a band-aid and some neosporin. I globbed the neosporin all over my middle finger and put on the band-aid. The band-aid didn't stick to well because I put on way too much neosporin, but in today's world you can never be too careful. Like, what if my cut was caused by peanut butter and anthrax. Or maybe I cut it on a rusty paperclip. Too many things to worry about.

When I got to work today there was a phone book on my chair in my work station. I didn't know why we got a phone book because we have the internet, and I told my coworker that. I said "We have the internet, we don't need a phone book." So now I am sitting on the phonebook. It's sort of weird, but I have to make my statements someway or another. Sitting on the phone book got me thinking. You know how when kids are little and they are at a restaurant and they don't have child booster seats, the staff'll grab a couple of phone books and the munchkins will sit on them? Well, in the near future when phone books become obsolete, what is going to happen to kids who can't reach the table cuz they are so small? Like you go to Chili's or something and you bring your little kid along and you ask for a booth and a booster seat, but the hostess is like oh all the booster seats are currently being used, and then you go "Oh, that's fine, just grab a few phone books, Johnny doesn't care" and then the Hostess freaks some more and goes "Oh, they dont make phone books anymore." That's when we'll realize how awful the internet really is. You can't sit on the internet. And that means the kids won't be able to reach their food. Kids'll starve thanks to the internet. The internet is worse than peanut butter I think, honestly.

Maybe that's a stretch of an idea. But I think magazines are going to disappear in the next few hours. I know Time had a huge layoff because they can't compete with the internet. Which is a shame, because I really enjoy magazines. I don't even know why I subscribe to them because I read maybe one article per issue, but I still feel it's worth it, even though I probably read about 40-50 internet articles a week. I think I got to make a spreadsheet about all this stuff.

Finally, I do give Rome the recommendation. The first 3 or 4 episodes I wasn't feeling it because I didn't know what anyone was talking about it, but by episode 5 or 6 when Caesar tears Egypt up, I'm like yup, this is something I can recommend. I just realized this show came out in 2005 though, so everyone probably has already seen it and forgotten about it. That's fine.

Go memorize the phone book while you still can.

-sXe.

Most things are bullshit

What goes around comes around. I got that tattooed around my ankle, except I had it converted into Farsi. One of the many ways I picture myself dying is by decapitation. I'm pretty sure someone is going to attack my neck with a sword, there'll be a brief skirmish, and my head will be lopped off. I think that is one of the main reasons why I love neck tattoos. I would really like to cover my neck in a scene from the book, "Where the Wild Things Are" so that way my murderer will have a hard time locating my neck. I think while he is confused, I can plan an escape, perhaps grabbing a frying pan and smacking the murderer in the head with it as hard as I can, or possibly by gathering some dynamite and blowing the murderers body apart. It sucks that I work a desk job where neck tattoos are frowned upon. If only I could be in the NBA or in a boy band.

I admire people that cover hand grenades with their bodies. They see the hand grenade land, and there is a brief instance where everybody is going to be shrapnelled to death, so one hero in the bunch makes the decision to take one for the team. They'll lay down on the grenade and do their best to smother the explosion. 9 times out of ten, only the hero gets killed. Occassionally something will go wrong, such as the hero will dive but he'll be too late or he'll miss the grenade and as a result someone else may be torn apart but that is really rare. It's not really that hard to land on top of the hand grenade if you jump at the right time. Remember when I said I picture myself dying a whole bunch of different ways? I've never pictured myself diving onto a hand grenade. It's really disappointing, because I wouldn't mind being considered a hero, but honestly, I sort of see myself throwing someone else onto it, then running like hell. I'd probably get decapitated when I got away by some angry opposing war general or possibly even my war general. "YOU COWARD" THEY'D SHOUT and they'd see past my neck tattoo and chop my friggin head off.

If I do get my head chopped off, it'd be sort of fitting that they played a quick game of football with it, before FedExing it to my parents, but something tells me that people who chop heads off really aren't interested in football. They seem like a serious bunch, who have to plot their next decapitation. It'd be neat if my neck tattoo was of a guillotine. I don't think I'll honestly ever get a neck tattoo, I just don't think I've ever blogged about a neck tattoo.

I guess this isn't a very cheery blog, but it's honestly not that bad. Does anybody else wait for trains and picture themselves jumping onto the tracks right before the train is about to start back up and go to the next train station. And telling the conductor to STTTOPPPPP! at once! Then you board the train and you look at each and every passenger to determine who has been naughty and who has been nice. You have a horse whip in your hand, and a bottle full of moonshine in the other.

peanut butter.

I'm having one of those weeks where I wish I was able to transform myself into a chewable Flinstone vitamin so I would forget to take myself. I'm not sure that accurately describes how I feel, but it's something along those lines. Seriously.

I think I got my glasses in the second or third grade, but I was too embarrassed to wear them to school so I usually sat underneath the blackboard so I could almost see what was going on. With my location, I remember noticing that our teacher's body sweated way more than any normal human being should sweat. Kind of like Patrick Ewing after a double overtime win. Whenever she walked by my desk I was always afraid her armpit sweat would run down her arm and drip onto my desk. However, I guess I chose to get sweated on instead of wearing glasses to school, because I'm sure the second or third grade bullies would pound on me. Eventually, I had no choice so I wore the glasses, and that is when the hyperventalating started. It got to the point where I woke up in the middle of the night and ran into my mom's room, where my mom and stepdad were "watching" Kindergarden Cop starring the future governor of California. My mom was genuinely concerned, so she drove me to the E.R. After waiting a few hours, the doctor checked me out, and after doing a thorough analysis, he prescribed a paper bag to me. "If you ever feel you are having difficulty breathing, just breathe into the bag." This was way more embarrassing than wearing glasses.

The next week in school, I could not breath at all except when it was time to go to lunch or the library or gym class or art or wherever. When all the kids would line up to class, I'd grab the paper bag out of my back pocket and I would gasp for a few precious breaths. Then I would join up with the rest of my classmates and hold my breath some more. I think eventually I did grow out of the hyperventalating, but I remember once I accidentally smeared a bunch of peanut butter all over my paper hyperventalating bag. I think that was the turning point when I began to realize most things are bullshit.

Wu-Tang vs. Run DMC

It's getting hot in here. There was a thing on MTV last night ranking the top 10 hip-hop or rap groups of all time. We watched it right before falling asleep, and I don't know if it played a factor in my dreams at all, but it was still a pretty interesting show. Run DMC was the #1 rap group of all time, which I guess makes sense because Run DMC was pretty ground-breaking when it came to rap groups. I can't argue with how good they are, and there role in 80's culture with the Adidas track suits/shelltop sneakers, it's just I can't believe they are the #1 rap group of all time. However, if I was given a vote, I'd probably vote for the Wu-Tang Clan, who got a curious #5 selection, behind freaking Outkast. Wu-Tang seems like a pretty serious group and they have a lot of group members so I'd vote for them based solely on size. Also, comparing the two, I'd say Wu-Tang is better than Run DMC, although I honestly don't really know too much about either of the groups. 36 Chambers is a very good rap album and I listened to it last week and it seems to still be pretty listenable, and I don't own any of Run DMC's albums, but the Who's House, Run's House song is good I guess. I guess you can argue that you can't have the Wu-Tang Clan if you don't have Run DMC, but I'm not sure I buy that really. Wu-Tang would still be the Wu-Tang with or without Run DMC because they don't sound anything alike, but DMX might not be DMX without Run DMC and the Golden State Warriors 3 guard attack of Chris Mullin/Tim Hardaway/Mitch Richmond would DEFINITELY not be Run TMC without Run DMC. I don't know if I buy this Run DMC thing. And shouldn't Run DMC get major deductions for collaborating with Aerosmith? I don't understand how anybody really got into Aerosmith. I think there was a time I liked them as a kid, but I honestly think it might have been clever marketing and me being 13 and being brainwashed by Alicia Silverstone in those crappy Aerosmith songs. All 3 of them songs were exactly the same. So perhaps Aerosmith should get some of the blame for tarnishing my remembrance of Run DMC. It's a shame too, because if I was 17 again, I'd go out and buy a Run DMC album tomorrow just because MTV showed me how important Run DMC was to the history of hip hop, and I'd get home and I'd listen to it maybe once and then halfway through I'd realize I don't even like rap or hip-hop. I don't know why it bothered me so much, I didn't get a vote, so I just went to sleep. Outkast was a curious top 5 selection though, I think their double CD is one of the most overrated CDs in the history of Compact Discs. I mean it's not bad, it's just not great. Hey Ya was a hit, but that's really the only song I remember from that double disc collection. It's amazing that album went platinum 11 times, but I guess I shouldn't be too shocked because I bought the damn thing too. Big Boy's disc was pretty forgettable, and Andre 3000's side was pretty fun I guess, but it was a stepback from their collaborative stuff in their prior albums. And how can they be considered a group when those were both solo albums. Wu-Tang got deductions because they didn't do many group albums. It's a shame Wu-Tang didn't get top ranking. If I was to do a top 10 Hip-Hop or Rap group of all time, I'd probably do it as follows. I just made the list and realized I had to stop at 7.

1. Wu-Tang Clan
2. Public Enemy
3. N.W.A.
4. Kris Kross
5. A Tribe Called Quest
6. Beastie Boys
7. Run DMC

I'm pretty tired of people always being like Oh Wu-Tang is only #5. Give me and Wu-Tang a break.

Monday Morning

Today was Monday. It still is technically, but I bet when you read it, it'll be another day. Maybe it'll be Friday or Thursday or Sunday. I guess there is a chance that when you read this it'll be a Monday. There's a 1 in 7 chance I guess. However with me, there's a 1 in 5 chance that this'll be a Monday because Blogger doesn't work at home. I click on blogger, and the page just goes a little haywire. Like it is trying to load up a page, but it never really actually works. Today sort of sucks. It's going so slow. Mondays usually do suck pretty bad. People say stuff like, Wish it wasn't Monday, on Monday. Having a birthday on a Monday is pretty terrible. Because then people will hate you. Because they think you are having a really good Monday since it's your birthday. Then it's like you are going to have a really good week, since it started off so great with your birthday. You don't really have your Monday, the Monday is overshadowed because it's your birthday. That's what people think anyway. I don't necessarilly believe that it is true. My birthday is just another day, and if it's a Monday, it'll probably be pretty crappy. But it's not my birthday, it's just Monday. So that being said, I don't know what else to blog about today. I wish I had some cheese doodles or something, can I get an Amen to that?

Marchness

Today seems like a good day to be not at work. Ever have one of them days? Like everyday. Wake up and go, "not going to work" and then you think about it some more and then you go "ever" and chuckle a little bit. So you hit snooze and after 15 minutes or less, you get up and totally go to work? That's what I do. Except I never hit snooze. I don't believe in taking snoozes. I just get up and swear in the shower and go to work. I ran to work today. Ran to the train anyway. It was pissing rain, so I got soaked because I'm boycotting the umbrella industry. Umbrellas are useless, I think I'm gonna buy a poncho today and a hoverboard. I was soaked on the train, and New Balances are not water proof, so my socks are pretty wet. I think I caught pneumonia, so I've been coughing obnoxiously at work. I'm waiting for someone to say, oh just go home...WOW the sun just came out. Nice. I feel better already.

I got paid today, so I think I'm going to order a Mac computer and have it shipped UPS. I love that one commercial where it's the cool, hip Mac guy, and the nerdy older IBM guy. What the hell is up with those commercials? They are not even close to being good. I hate that one commercial where the IBM guy is "upgrading" and he is getting a webcam taped to his head. And the Mac guy is like, oh I got one built into my shirt or something. Implying that the IBM guy is lame or whatever, but I think having a webcam taped to your head is pretty cool. I'd get one taped to my head if I wasn't so paranoid. Secondly, I hate the commercial cuz my sister knows the cool Mac guy. She's all, "You know that commercial, I went to college with him". He's also the guy from Dodgeball I guess. I really don't care if people know people, so I just say, OH I hate that commercial. AND I hated DODGEBALL. Which is not true, I enjoyed Dodgeball with Ben Stiller being Mr. Whitesnake or something. That was funny. My sister and her boyfriend dressed up as that commercial for Halloween Hollaback. PRETTY FUNNY, HUH? I saw the pictures. It was not very funny. My sister was just wearing some Mac labels and was making drunk faces in all the pictures, and her boyfriend had nerd glasses on. Nerd glasses apparently are just large glasses, like the ones I wore pretty much up to 8th grade. So apparently I was a nerd. I am not a nerd now (except I have a myspace account for an imaginary side project for an imaginary band and currently run 3 blogs or so with ideas for about 5 or 6 more blogs). Anyway, a nerd costume is not a great idea. Shot in the face halloween costume IS a great idea. I wish I had macaroni and cheese.

I also have a serious problem with that UPS commercial where it's that wanna-be Gen-Xer drawing on a screen with a dry erase board marker and he draws dots in a circle and then he makes a big smiley faced "U" and then he writes PS after it. It's a stretch of a good idea. I used to want to do commercials, but Red Stripe stole all my good ideas. If I was UPS or Mac I'd just get a bunch of people together, go to a bobsled trail, have all the actors do a few shots of Jaeger, and then just hit record. Then at the end I'd say UPS/Mac: This is our stupid commercial, Support America, Give us Money. That'd me my commercial. Commercial idea #2 would be like the Don't do drugs commercials. Where the people are stoned at the drive thru and they run over the little girl on the bike. That commercial rules. I'd do that ad for EVERYTHING. Commercial: Dudes (preferabbly a white dude and a black dude) in an In-N-Out, using an IBM laptop that's ginormous, they get their food, pay, speed off, but can't see over their gigantic IBM, run over a little girl. Then words "Don't kill little girls, buy a Mac". Commercial for UPS. FedEX in a drive thru at a BK (a Delivery truck in a drive thru is funny by itself), FedEx drives off, runs over a little girl. WORDS, "BROWN don't kill little girls". Something like that. Not a great idea, I guess. I'm only blogging cuz i'm bored.


VH1 did a show about white rappers. It was awful, but I watched every episode. Jus' Rhyme was the worst, but he made it to the top 3. He is a political rappers. Political rap makes no sense to me. Here's 22 pictures of Jus Rhyme.

More Yes Mustache Songs

Traffic Jam on the Interstate

It took to long to get home
Stuck in a subway station
with a plastic bag face mask
I can't afford to get sick

When I finally did get home
I realized I had left my keys
at work under my desk in my work shoes
my feet covered now in holey socks

I tried the fire escape
and thankfully I left the
bedroom window slightly open
and on getting inside, I sighed in relief

There's ways to do things
There's a right way and a wrong way
a quick way a short way a long way
a highway a thru way a get away

It doesn't matter to me how you
go about doing things, it
doesn't eve matter, I'm
pretty sure I'm not even paying attention.


Falling Down Hills Pretending they are Volcanoes

When you fell down the
hill people thought it was
accidental but replays show
you were not alone

It was a miracle that
anybody even found you
you were knocked unconscious
bleeding, broken every bone.

How do you feel now that
you know what really happened
Are you looking to fight
back and get even?

Take that day and
multiply your feelings on
itself and when you
done that 10 times

Get back to me
and eventually you'll
begin to understand how
you made me feel.



Boy sets fire, man puts it out

Say what you want, but atleast they did something about it.
When was the last time you did something that
made you feel so um um so alive

And who are you to just stand their and
a wait an orduh one you never question but you
follow it and with a garden hose you drown the rose bush

In the classroom their quietness was mistaken
for weakness but it's your cowardice that sparked
their self censorship

Underneat the rose bush they await
and as the sun absorbs the ocean
they will grow back tenfold.

And when you try drowning them out again
you better hope they haven't grown gills
I sort of hopoe that they haven't either
cuz i don't know how to uh uh swim.


Christopher Columbus BLVD.

Not another song about suh suh suicide
you got it if you want it
not another song about guh guh genocide
you got it if you clap your hands

If everyone stands in a line and
puts their hands on the shoulder of
the person in front of them
eventually we'd divide the world in two

I sure hope Columbus was wrong
a change in the wind can
knock the line off the edge
and into the jaws of the waiting unknown

Or I hope the middle man's knees
don't begin to faulter because
a collapse would mean disaster
for those behind and those in front

Also I hope no onoe begins
to push and shove because
that'll just leave us in
a pile where the weak get dead

I guess while you are forming
your impenetrable chain, I'll
be in the basement with a
shovel and a pail getting a head start.



My roll in history

At the dinner table
we meet again
All of us afraid
you had a bad day

This is where
eating disorders come from
the faster I eat
the faster I can get away

Hell is an overstatement
but normal is a dream
Nightmares could end
swiftly with a steak knife

You eventually stopped coming
to dinner altogether
you pulled me aside and
said that is what I asked for

You looked me in the eyes
and I didn't think you lied
I did ask for this
but honestly I think you got off E-Z.

We're older now and we
look back with mixed
emotions but generally
there all pretty messed up.




The train schedule is optimistic (time to get ill)

This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.

(music for 4 measures)

This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.
This train will never get here.

(Heavy breakdown)

Good things come
to those who WAIT
And by good things we mean
mental illnesses (YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH)

This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here

(music for 8 measures)

This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here
This train will never get here

(Breakdown. HEEAAAVY)

My hypochondriac visions
show me as an OLD MAN
It's not a pleasant sight
I'm getting sicker and I'm still waiting (YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH)

(Back to intro then fade).




The Last Day of February (not a Smashmouth cover)

People all around me covered in sweat
while I'm in the middle calmly standing
If I make one questionable move
things are probably going to get pretty ugly

I see your face in my mirror
and I'm not sure if I like what I see
however I'm afraid if I break eye contact
The broken glass will tear me apart

When did it get to this?
Do you really need to know?
It was obvious to me from day one
you were smarter than me then

I can't blame you for letting
your emotions ruin the world
It seemed like a good idea
at the time. It always does.

But in the end it kind of worked out
we're in different spots
but the resemblance is there and
I've grown from your mistakes

And I'm way to uninterested in payback.